The core issue for me is trauma. The core process is integration.
Thanks for coming along on this road. I have a new dirt bike for you to try out.
As I integrate, I periodically discover new challenges. Katey had some problems with codependence. Sam* (not his real name) is transgendered. Lana has OCD.
It’s not quite the same thing as all of me having the same problem. Only part of me does. It’s a part-time problem.
But as I integrate, then it’s a full-time problem. And that requires I deal with it and instead of, you know, just saying it’s not my problem. Like I have been the whole rest of my life. Because it wasn’t.
It was Katey’s problem that I kept getting my heart broken.
It was Sam’s problem I couldn’t figure out who I was.
It was Lana’s problem that I had to do everything right. All the time.
No, it isn’t. It’s my problem. They are all my problems. So, one by one, I have addressed them. I worked through the codependent workbooks. I explored my gender and came to terms with it. Now, it’s time to stop thinking that numbers are magic and that I need to be perfect.
It is very much time.
The OCD we’re dealing with is scrupulosity. The core fear is that I will burn in hell. Oh, and barring that, dying in a car crash, developing a terminal illness, or being struck by lightning. But basically it comes down to hell. They say it’s important to know this.
So that is step three.
The weirdness of this is that, of course, most of me does not even believe in hell. So I’m afraid of something I don’t believe in. But Lana does, and it is her problem. And Lana is me. So it is also my problem.
I know what triggered it all. When I was growing up, they told us to be careful of our thoughts, our ministers did. They may have, in fact, quoted Mahatma Gandhi without telling us they were. They did stuff like that a lot.
“Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.” Mahatma Gandhi.
They may have quoted Proverbs. They did that sometimes too.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23.
They may have done both. And they also told us that God wanted us to keep our hearts pure, our minds pure. They told us again and again that our thoughts become reality.
And, as I told you last week, they don’t. Thoughts are just that: thoughts.
But I didn’t know that. They were in charge. They had a direct line to God. These people would know.
So I believed them. And I tried to keep my thoughts pure.
Meanwhile, I had flashbacks. I had all manner of disgusting, terrifying, violent intrusive thoughts. Because, you know, people were raping me regularly and throwing chairs. They were scaring the hell out of me. I may have been angry as well. It wouldn’t be uncommon, or difficult to understand, if I also had thoughts about these people dropping suddenly dead. You could understand if, from time to time, I did not wish them well.
So I did not have pure thoughts.
And they told us too that we should be perfect, that God demands a perfect sacrifice. That we should try to be without blemish, like Jesus. We should strive to emulate Jesus, our pattern, and be the perfect lamb of God.
I know this is crazy, but forgiveness did not come into it. They may have talked about washing away sins too. But logic was not a strong point.
They scared the hell out of me.