I am having an especially bad morning. I am not sure why exactly. I feel a bit sick–just achy and sinusy. Nothing much. But sometimes that sets something off, and it becomes hard to cope
I was reading the dismissive types have more passive-aggressive anger. I haven’t found that to be the case. The Girl is very anxious in her attachment style. She expresses a lot of anger both directly and indirectly. She plays in ways that hurt other people or animals. The Boy is hurtful too, but his is about power. He wants to be better than others so that no one can hurt him and he can be safe. She wants revenge. I don’t know why it feels different to me or why I see those recurring motivations in them, but I do.
I think anxiously attached people are more likely to be angry in any form. The form it takes depends on your family’s beliefs about anger, who can express it and how. There is a different underlying belief which supports the anger, because we feel angry when it seems as though we may win in a conflict. We feel we can win when right is on our side. So anxiously attached people feel hurt, but because they have sometimes been nurtured, it seems to them as though the nurturing ought to be there: it’s right and proper for them to be nurtured.
A dismissive person does not expect to be nurtured. They don’t try to receive nurturing or really even to communicate much, because there is no hope of it. So dismissive people feel much more sadness than anger in the same situations.
That’s my opinion.
What dismissive people do expect is to be able to take care of themselves and pursue their own interests. They may also have an expectation that people are likely to interfere with this, and see others as an impediment to pursuing their goals or hobbies. They may express a lot of impatience with someone who demands their attention or wants comfort when they are busy trying to get some reward and satisfaction from their activities. Those are the times when dismissive/avoidant people feel angry.
The times when C was very angry with me I think were times like these. She had goals and plans which I seemed to be interfering with or might be expected to interfere with–a primary goal was to avoid activating attachment anxiety so that her trauma would not assert itself. I certainly interfered with that. I was exacerbating the anxiety so it was likely to overcome her self-control and cause her to reach out, which would activate her implicit memories of how her efforts to be nurtured have played out in the past.