C called last night–I had called her a few times and also sent her a text. I am not usually so persistent unless there is really some matter of urgency at hand, but the Boy kept asking me to call her, which he does not usually do. Anyway, she called back and wanted Galay to call her. He told me, after their talk, that she wanted him to come to her mother’s house so they could come together from there.
Yesterday, her mother said we would meet soon, as though she really did intend to come here. The last time she came to Y-town, she did not tell me she was coming or call me or make any attempt to see me, nor did she come at midterm to see her own daughter. She did come to see me in December. I have my doubts about the whole thing.
There was some point in the past when I did not care very much. I wanted to help C, and I was okay with being kind of like broccoli–good for you, but not necessarily wanted. I don’t feel okay with it now.
So in the morning, when I woke up, at the time when I feel sad anyway, I was thinking about this. I was thinking about not seeing her and about my not knowing whether she wants to see me or not and all of the times she was angry at me when I saw her just for being there.
And I thought something like I can force people to do what makes me feel more comfortable, but there is no joy in that for me. Then I have what I want, but I feel sad about it. I thought not everyone feels that. They feel life is a contest and they want to win.
I also thought I don’t know what the reality of the situation actually is, but reflecting like this tells me about my own mind. Reflection doesn’t tell me whether C is coming, or whether she wants to come, but it tells me about my expectation that she won’t and how I feel about that and if I think about it long enough, I might also start to know why I have those expectations and that could be because of her past behaviour or the past behaviour of other people or both.
The idea of mentalizing helps me. I was thinking, as I reflected about all of this, that what I felt was a sense of being unwanted. It seems to me in the past I might have thought feeling unwanted meant I was unwanted, and so the thought was untolerable to me. I had to get rid of the thought to get rid of the experience.
Now, I think instead that at some point in my life I have felt unwanted and I will again at some point in the future. Not everyone will want me or has wanted me. This is part of life, and understanding how it feels and why it feels that way as well as what to do about it can only help me.
That said, it was pretty awful to feel. Later, I thought my young self felt unwanted quite a lot. My mother did not have much of a sense of other minds, and I may have been compelled to overwhelm her with my needs to get her to see them.