About This Blog

This blog is really a record. It’s a record of a process that I am in the midst of. That process is of trying to get somewhere. I am trying to get to Holland. Now, if you’ve actually read the essay–which is very short–you might think I am talking about raising a child with a disability. But I don’t mean that. I don’t have children. None of my imaginary children have disabilities either. I just mean I’m trying to get somewhere and it’s a place I never planned to go in the first place. It’s a place I’m not even sure I want to go sometimes, but it turns out that it’s the only place I can go. I can stay here, which is not that great a place, or I can to Holland. I mean, I can move forward or I can stay still. There aren’t other choices. So I am moving forward. Because Holland is the place you go after you have grieved for the place you aren’t anymore, and the place you go after you above also grieved for all the places you couldn’t go to. It’s the one place left as a possibility. And it turns out, Holland has tulips. It has museums. It’s beautiful. But it is Holland. It is not Italy. It isn’t the place I really chose.

I love it.

25 thoughts on “About This Blog”

  1. When we are victims of physical and sexual abuse, I think we carry around an enormous trigger, which is highly sensitive to other peoples suffering. Like you, I spend a huge part of my life wondering what drives someone to such deplorable acts, but I can also give too much time to mistrusting others and even feeling suspicious of their highly plausible secret evil.

    Up until I was around 13 years old, I assumed every parent beat up their children at home and thought many kids carried their own ‘sexual secrets’. Reading this and todays post, “Hitler’s children”, my stomach churned, hands and legs shook and I am wondering how you can live with such horrendous memories. I have suffered only a fraction of what you experienced, but the trauma haunts me.

    • Thanks for coming by and reading.

      It helps that after all these years, I do understand pretty well. I am no longer afraid, because I know. I know exactly how and why most of the people who harmed me acted the way they did. I don’t excuse it, so I know. Being able to make sense of the my world has helped enormously.

      I have worked hard to learn how to simply be with these memories, how to simply be with myself, to be with suffering. I don’t know how to explain how I have gotten to that place, but I have, and that is allowing me to heal.

      Perhaps most of all, it also helps to know that I am not alone. And I am loved.

      Take care. You are not alone in this either.

      • I never usually have trouble writing, but tonight I struggle with a post on my own blog. I am trying to share what went on at an MBT Therapy Assessment today.

        I tried hard to explain to the Therapist how these memories haunt me. I’ve never been able to express them, robbing myself of any chance of “recovery”. Anytime I am within a therapy setting – even though I cannot talk about them – these are the issues at the forefront of my disturbed mind.

        I’ve never had a challenging Therapist. She seems to suggest I hang onto them as a way of avoiding living in the present and dealing with the issues I have today and, therefore, wonders if I am suitable for Therapy.

        I live with the painful flashbacks, but do not understand why I cannot share them. I admire someone like yourself who is able to learn to be at peace. I hope I can learn something from you!

      • I imagine it’s difficult because what happens when you talk about them is overwhelming to you. Which means that the process of talking doesn’t actually help. I needed to learn specific skills before working directly with memories actually helped me. You might want to try a therapist who uses a different approach. I found some aspects of DBT very helpful. I think I spent about 2 years just working on “mindfulness” and “distress tolerance.” What has also worked for me is prolonged exposure therapy, once I had more skills in place for controlling the pain of the memories. You really cannot just be “more brave” or “tougher” and deal successfully with this crap.

        Take care. Keep trying. You’ll find something that works for you.

  2. I absolutely love how you want to understand those stories and it fascinates me that you do. I seek the same thing, to understand.

  3. The story you tell of your childhood is of the worst of the worst I have heard. But your writing voice is beautiful and rich and melodious. It makes for a wonderful blog – a blog that is not afraid to go into the darkest dark, and yet does it with so much poise and thoughtfulness.

  4. Hi, Ashana,

    I want to say thank you, very much, for reading the piece on TOC today as well as the healthy debates we were having. Discussion is so important — in any issue.

    After reading your history on your site I would like to tell you how incredibly intelligent, thoughtful, and kind you are — to share that with the world takes an extraordinary person — you are that person.

    I will only learn from visiting your site frequently because learning about one another is a wonderful gift. Thank you for sharing yourself to all of us.

    Eva

  5. Wow, what a brave, original approach. To give meaning to your suffering, and to the suffering of those around you, to take that hurt and use it to explain and understand evil. Thanks for doing this.

    Chatte

  6. inafunnybox said:

    I applaud your bravery and willingness to share your narrative. I have just discovered your blog and am looking forward to reading all of it.

    • Thank you so much for coming by and reading. I look forward to seeing more of you around. Are the drawings on your blog your own?

      • inafunnybox said:

        From the little I have read, your blog really speaks to my soul — in a far more eloquent and intelligent manner than my mind does. And, yes, the 3rd grade art is done by me- I proudly claim them.

      • I love them.

        Thanks so much. I’m glad my blog speaks to you.

  7. Words cannot express the admiration of your resilience, your generosity and willingness to hear and help heal. I can only imagine …all you have gone through…I hear stories from youths who call me at my work…and I can only say that my heroes in life our children who grow up and continue to strive despite all the hell they have met and have come back…blessings to you. A good friend of mine went back to Brazil to study Autobiographical Therapy…this is very interesting. I shall be back. Cheryl-Lynn

  8. Player,

    As you may expect, We understand evil in a less serious way, it likes to be taken seriously though.

    RR

    • In my mind, evil is merely the failure to give a shit when someone is being harmed.

      I need to update this page, but haven’t gotten to it.

      • Yes, what you are saying is a core element.

        You also tease out Ghosts with Mango juice and talk of a principal’s flaccid erection. Playfulness aimed at someone’s immersion in pain is a form of giving a shit. It can’t be the whole solution, but it is a way to turn certain forces on their heads…let things breath differently for awhile.

      • Oh, they are very, very serious about their ghosts here.

        I know you do.

  9. Wow!!!!! I don’t even really know what to say except you are one strong, courageous woman. I can’t even fathom what that must have been like. It sickens me to know that this kind of shit goes on all around us, all the time. I hope, somehow, someway, you can recover from all this. You are already doing something, blogging, that can be very therapeutic. I’m here if you ever wanna talk or you just need to vent. I wish you the very best on the rest of your journey. Only “good” is left to come. Stay strong and just try to live in the moment. I know that’s not always easy. It helps. Take care. I look forward to reading more of your blog. xx

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