I often have a feeling of sobbing inside. It happens especially at night, mostly to do with sleep. I have been thinking for a long time the night-time feeling of pain inside was about wanting to sleep, that the feeling was about wanting something I felt I wasn’t allowed to have.
I had it this evening–I’m sleepy. I felt it probably has to do with the same thing. I want to sleep and I can’t.
It crossed my mind just now this sensation of wanting to cry and really quite heart-wrenching inner pain has to do with situations which would have led to abuse in the past, when crying seemed the best response to it.
These insights shock me. It means things like I was not allowed to sleep. Either I couldn’t get the help calming my nervous system that I needed as a baby in order to move into sleep, or being trafficked meant late nights and little sleep.
This happens to me regularly when things click in for me. I wore clean clothes to school. I got regular baths. I think mostly I ate three meals a day. But I was so profoundly neglected in so many ways. I don’t know how to articulate how sad I feel about this now. Such basic things: I couldn’t sleep. I feel now, as an adult, in a conditioned way that begging might work as a strategy in order to be allowed to sleep. So basic.