I haven’t posted in a long time. When it’s been this long, it’s hard to return to it.
Mostly, I was really busy. I also just didn’t feel like it.
Anyway, here I am. I did not see my therapist this week. I worked every day last week, and the week before, when we were making the appointment, I had no real idea. I wasn’t scheduled at that point for work on Monday or Friday. We agreed to meet on Monday. Then I picked up a job for Monday, and we switched it to Friday. Later, I picked up a job for Friday also. She has said she could do evening times, but this time she couldn’t.
She suggested we meet twice this week–once in the beginning and once at the end. But actually I am scheduled to work all of next week, and she didn’t have an evening time open on Monday–only Tuesday. I don’t really know if I can do two therapy sessions in one week or not. It takes half the week to calm down and feel normal again.
So that’s where things are now.
I suppose I saw her last Wednesday. The topic of Nata came up, and I don’t remember what it was in response to, but tears came to her eyes. Then she changed the subject to trying EMDR with her.
The last time something very intense came up, she also changed the subject. She brought up a movie that time, and it did relate to what I was saying, but it moved the conversation away from the immediate topic, and we didn’t return to it until towards the end of the session.
A pattern has emerged here, where I bring something up that’s very difficult and very painful for me and she moves away from it. One element of this is she believes if we don’t talk about it, the pain of the topic goes away–this belief came out in the first session, where she said explicitly that we would leave a topic for now because of the intensity.
This, of course, is not true. The intensity goes away for her, because it is not inside her, but it doesn’t go away for me. All that happens on my end is that I must now deal with it alone–if not in session, then at home. And I must also now make sense of my feelings about her move away from it. So the burden on me is increased.
I came back to therapy because I began to understand how, as human beings, considering something together reduces the effort required to manage the experience being considered. I began to think it could, in fact, be easier for me than it is.
I’m still wondering about this. What do I do when that happens again? I am really aware now–much more so than I used to be, that there are two people in the room. The therapist has to be able to engage with the horror of my experiences with me. She doesn’t escape feeling pain just because it’s my experience and not hers, and it’s not actually easy.