The feelings of jealousy are important. They are defining.

Not my jealousy. The jealousy that narcissists feel. I might feel jealous too, but I am not thinking about that today. I don’t think I probably feel as jealous as my mother did, in the first place, because I have more of an understanding of what happened to me. I know it was wrong.

When you don’t know that what happened to you was wrong, then the whole thing is more confusing. I think the frustration is greater along with the feeling of deprivation. Why can’t I be happy? Well, I kind of know. I am not thrilled to be struggling with childhood trauma, but it’s not a mystery.

I was thinking about an ego state–I suppose that’s what my parts are. There is one that seems to feel peace and quiet. A while ago, I mentioned that this part seemed to be choosing gifts for C. There is a bookstore/gift shop where I often find things that C would like: bookmarks, pencil pouches, notebooks. Cards. They have basically a room full of cards. I go there to buy cards for her and sometimes find other things she would like also.

I find it peaceful. And I suppose that is why this part comes out. But why is it dissociated? I know it is me. There is no element of it that feels it can’t be me, so how does it end up in this “not me” kind of place?

I was thinking about this, and thinking parts emerge under severe stress. So there is something stressful about this experience.

Yesterday morning, I felt very peaceful sitting in the back garden of the new house where I live.


And I had that same feeling, of the dissociated part.

Well, jealousy would explain that–if my mother felt jealous and angry every time I found peace, then peace itself would feel dangerous to me.

This fits with what I was thinking about C. I haven’t had any contact with C for about 3 weeks or more. She told her aunt she misses me, but her phone (she has one now) is switched off unless she is making calls–which is sensible, except that then I can’t call her. So if you miss someone, why would you make it impossible for the person you miss to talk to her. And why would it often be like this?

Because of jealousy. Someone C knows–her mom or her step dad, or both of them, feels jealous when C is happy and destroys it. So it’s not allowed. I am not allowed for her. When I call her, that feeling of “this is not allowed” can sometimes be triggered very strongly for her, and she won’t talk to me.

It’s weird.