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I woke up at 3 am worried that C was having a pregnancy scare.

I do not know why.

There are logical pieces to it. Rather ominously, she replied to someone who asked about the photo she took of meeting her boyfriend–one where she looked very sad and worried–“You know the meaning.”

To a worried me, that could mean I decided to have sex with my boyfriend.

I don’t really have any idea what her actual sexual experiences have been. Country X kids are somewhat confusing about this, and somehow manage to appear more and less experienced as Western teens simultaneously. And C does not always want me to think of her as a little kid who knows nothing about these things. So I am not sure if she has had sex before, or if she is still in the stage where holding hands is a huge deal.

And then there was also my chats with IT Ma’am and C’s aunt, who mostly seemed to be worried about pregnancy. Not about being sexually active when she might be too immature to know what she actually feels comfortable doing or not doing. Which, of course, makes it seem more possible she might be sexually active at 15, when I have been assuming she isn’t.

Dysregulation and ordinary teenage narcissism can create an internal environment where things can seem like a big deal which really are not.

What I am getting at is there are vague reasons to worry and yet there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not especially helpful to worry about it. Possibly not helpful at all.

I think I am worried because the Country X people in Canada said she hoped to get a contract to me soon. Me, poking my frightened little head out. Lots of fear, and at 3 in the morning, the fact that my daughter could be pregnant and forced to drop out of school despite my best efforts, is the most reasonable cause of that fear I can think of.

Let’s get back to narcissistic jealousy. Happiness for me = narcissistic parents ready to attack me. My head’s a hard place to be lately.

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