I’m not in a good place today.

The director of the therapy center called back at last. Actually, she called yesterday, and I finally managed to connect. We had a nice chat as she went through the intake paperwork. She had a therapist in mind for me. She said the therapist would call me either later in the evening or the next day (today).

Yesterday morning, I got an email from the Country X people in Canada who do the legwork of recruiting and screening foreign teachers. They needed some documents–some of which need to be notarized. I have provided some of these with the application already, but whatever. They’ve had a lot of turnover. People keep having to reinvent the wheel.

So I spent a lot of yesterday gathering the documents together–not that it was that difficult, but the whole thing makes it hard for me to think straight. Then I needed to request some letters of recommendation–one for the Canadians, one because I need to find a job.

You can see the stressors, I think.

Today, I find it hard to feel or connect to anything. The compulsion to brace myself after experiences of being seen or wanting to be seen is so automatic, it’s hard to do anything about.



4 thoughts on “

  1. Alexandra Roth August 9, 2017 / 8:33 am

    This must be so hard. Go slow today, be patient with yourself, be satisfied with whatever you get done.

  2. This.shaking August 9, 2017 / 7:21 pm

    Oh, Alexandra – you are absolutely right!
    But Ash, I know days like this – I am like a very disgruntled toddler – I scream, I stamp my feet, I say “NOO!” to everything. [Of course, I never ACTUALLY did any of those things – my life was on the line – but that is what is happening in my head.] And all three of us know how to extend safety to that toddler. Sending you that. TS

    • Ashana M August 9, 2017 / 7:35 pm

      I appreciate that. I suppose I mischaracterized the day. I am not disgruntled about anything–looking at it, I can see how someone would be. Those are all somewhat annoying things. My struggle is that I have to keep showing up. I would like to hide, but I have to resubmit this paperwork and again assert to the universe *I want this job.* I have to take the paperwork to be notarized and assert to the notary *I want this* although it’s her job and she doesn’t care one way or the other. It’s still scary for me. I had to ask for recommendations and assert to my former supervisors *I want this job or actually any job.* I have to talk return phone calls to the therapist and assert again *I want help.* She called in the morning to let me know that the therapist she had in mind for me was just getting back from vacation and to not expect a call until tomorrow evening at the earliest and I had to assert the same thing. It’s hard to keep showing up.

  3. This.shaking August 9, 2017 / 8:01 pm

    Bloody annoying! Who wants to do all that kind of crap, over and over, and alone. Did anyone give you a smile? TS

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