System

My mind is a strange place.

I woke up from a nap again today–I just seem to be so tired lately. My sleep pattern sucks. Anyway, I slept away the afternoon somehow, after a long walk in blazing hit.

I just felt strange–like I couldn’t wake up or like I was hypnotized. Waking up is always hard for me, and this was more devastating than usual. I try not to fight this state unless I really have to do something, just try to work at it gradually instead of doing some kind of hard shift out of it. I think a gradual shift is regulation, but the hard shift is a form of dissociation. Just my idea.

Anyway, still in this state, a leaf-blower started up. As you remember, this is a pretty strong trigger for me. I was trying to breathe and stay with the feelings. I have started to note the time when it starts up. These things are pretty common around here, so that it can feel like there is always a leaf blower or some kind of machine going, a hedge trimmer or something, but in reality that’s not true. And they don’t really go on for long periods of time usually. If I can notice the time, I can hold out knowing that it ends.

I was doing that and I thought, you know, I can block it out. I don’t really need to go through this. So I put on headphones and turned on some music.

I was listening to the song, and wondered about the words. It is a very evocative song to me, but I don’t really understand the lyrics. But sometimes I think actually a part of me does understand and responds and does not inform the rest of me.

I looked them up, and there is one line like “it’s not time yet” and a line that repeats, “I’ll give you a sign.” Well, that struck, because there are little parts of me that seem to be waiting for Nata to come back. She’s dead, but that doesn’t connect and they are just waiting.

I looked at the video again, and I thought there is something about this that’s familiar. It’s a pretty sexualized video. One of the young women has teeth like Nata. It’s evocative.

It was really, really painful to look at it and to feel the sadness and the grief and longing that came with it.

And then I suddenly felt, “Oh, yes, I’ve got it. I know what’s familiar about it. This feeling of being a system with someone, as though we are both part of one another.” It’s a very free feeling, as though I can be myself. The sense of constriction is gone. I’m not walking on eggshells. I don’t have to hold my breath to maintain a sense of connection to this person.

That’s what it was like to be with Nata, connected. It’s not how it felt when I was younger, but it’s how I felt when I was older.

I felt a huge relief, like I can stop waiting around for her to come back. I found her. She’s dead, but in remembering her, I feel like I know where she is.

I’m not that surprised i am thinking about this. C’s escapade made me realize to see her, I have to remember what young love felt like. I have to remember romantic relationships, period, and that’s so overwhelmingly painful. I don’t know that I can do it. But I have to, or she will not get the mirroring she needs. I won’t be able to compare her experiences to my own and in that way see how ours overlap or how they differ. I will only know how I feel as an adult, viewing her experiences from the outside.

It gave me some other ideas, but it was an interesting little meander.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “System

  1. ALEXANDRA ROTH July 30, 2017 / 10:30 am

    Beautiful and sad. I’ve been thinking about pain today. Been feeling some pain about my daughter, and noticing how the pain I feel about her isn’t like what I had when I was younger, when I felt I had to get away from the feeling, that it was so tense or anxious that it made me try to escape. I don’t feel that about my daughter, even when I feel very sad about her, because the pain and her existence are one and the same, and I desire her existence. Is that something like what you felt about Nata today?

    • Ashana M July 30, 2017 / 10:37 am

      I think it’s the opposite. It hurts to remember, because I want it so much, but it doesn’t hurt so much that it drowns out the goodness that is what I lost in the first place. I can’t really stay in that pain. But I can do it long enough to remember what was good. Maybe in time I will be able to cope better than that.

      • Alexandra Roth August 1, 2017 / 5:53 am

        That’s funny that you find it to be opposite because it seems same to me – or in a way. I guess I mean, I associate pain with “do not want” but it’s impossible to feel “do not want” toward the source of your pain, which in your case is Nata, but not her death, and in my case is my daughter. So the pain is caught up in wishing and cherishing and can’t be completely separated from its object.

      • Ashana M August 1, 2017 / 6:08 am

        Hmm. I don’t know. That’s interesting. I experience them physically as two different sensations. The pain is desire. The other feeling is what it was like to be with her and seems internally like a sense of spaciousness, like swimming in a pool.

        I had a miscarriage as a teenager. The memory of that is only pain.

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