Hitting home

I woke up from a nap–these days I seem to be overwhelmed merely by getting through the day, let alone actually accomplishing anything.

Anyway, I woke up feeling terrible. Actually, I fell asleep feeling terrible and hoped sleep might solve, since I felt tired anyway. I made some tea, swept a bit, sat with shame for a while.

It is weird how this happens. I try very hard to be with something, various random things drift through my head that don’t quite make sense, and I mainly work at breathing and suddenly an idea hits me. There is no real connection between the random thoughts and the idea that hits me and brings with it a feeling of clarity and generally lower levels of awfulness.

I thought Boyfriend reminds me of my dad. The superficial charm and the rage, the abrupt switch into childishness.

The thing is that my dad is for sure and certain a psychopath, and you don’t imagine a psychopath having an inner life of any kind. I remember other states, when he seemed like a desert to me–no feelings at all. But this boy makes me remember that he wasn’t like that all the time.

My dad had very real feelings and inner life of his own, and a lot of that inner life was organized around destruction. An idea of himself of so bad, that he could not have anything good, and so his life was organized around destroying what was good or at least represented good to him.

He felt the envy and rage I am talking about, and when I think of him with this in mind, I remember what that incomprehensible envy and rage felt like.

I know survivors of childhood abuse are victimized, because it is too painful to recognize the indications that something is wrong. It seems like something you kind of remember and oh fuck I cannot go down that rabbithole of pain. You never make sense of the present, and you don’t respond to it effectively.

I don’t know what to do about Boyfriend, but I know I have to come to grips with my father. He was my father and he brought me up. I am not a psychopath, but the memory of being alongside that mind will never go away.


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