This is hard to write about.

The statement that envy is the core emotion of narcissism came back to me in a different way, that the narcissist seeks to destroy every good and beautiful thing save those things which serve him. It hooked into some other thoughts.

I had a nap–3 hours sleep last night, my own fault–and woke up again. Realizing that I felt terrible, and went and got some lunch. I was eating and felt overcome with shame. I started to tell myself slow down, be curious. Is this because of something done to me or something I am doing?  Where is this coming from.

After a while, I began to think about the girls and really also myself, how what motivated my dad was this desire to destroy their innocence. It is not just that he could. It was deliberate and intentional. What he felt inside himself was terror, perversion and hopelessness and he did what he could to make others feel that too. It wasn’t just that this rubbed on on others, he could not abide goodness to remain.

He hated their goodness so much, he literally cut it into pieces. It’s hard to face that malevolence. It’s one thing when I have frightening, confusing things in my head that I can’t quite understand. It’s another thing when I do understand them, when they all make sense, because I understand my dad.

The other piece of this, I think, and this will take a while to sort through is that this malevolence is impossible to actually live with. There is no way you can live with the terror this causes, and so there are fantasies you retreat into.

I know some of the stuff in my head that otherwise confuses me is that. They might be fantasies my dad spun to make me more compliant, but they might be my invention–because how else do you live with someone who physically, literally wants to destroy you except to pretend that this is not the case?

I just feel so sad.

 

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