It’s the suburbs, and I have realized in the suburbs someone is pretty much always sawing wood or blowing leaves. All day, there is the sound of machinery. I have not lived in the suburbs as an adult before, and I did not know this. I grew up in the suburbs, but we did  not hire gardeners. Those were different days. Or, we were from a different class. Maybe both.

I react to machinery. This is why it is relevant.

I was thinking today it’s somehow easier to think of things in terms of injustice or whether something breaks rules than whether people are responsive.  There is something widgety about this. It’s okay to be upset because something broke the rules. It isn’t okay to expect life to respond to you.

Of course, people’s need to get their yardwork done isn’t going to be responsive to me. They aren’t my friends. But the reason machinery is frightening to me in the first place is that my parents were so unresponsive to my need for safety that they did terrifying things with machines.

I don’t know where to go with that, but maybe it helps to link things to where they belong.

I was also thinking I wasn’t an easy child to raise. Abused children never are. They harmed me, and then were frustrated at the consequences of their actions, as though they assumed actions should not have consequences. Of course, they do.


2 thoughts on “Machinery

  1. Alexandra Roth July 19, 2017 / 10:15 pm

    I was reading, somewhere, a woman’s account of growing up on a farm. Everyone was needed to pitch in, sounds bucolic and cheery, right? Her chief memory is of driving the truck for her dad at age 7; it was terrifying because she couldn’t hit the brake and see out the windshield at the same time, so she would drive without access to the brake, sweating with fear and hoping that when the time came to brake, she could slip down off the seat fast enough to hit it in time. It didn’t occur to her to say this was dangerous or that she was afraid of doing it; the parents were in charge and they needed the help. But you know, it would have been different for her even if she had still had to do it, but they had reflected to her how hard it was for her and how much they appreciated her doing it. Even if she had just not felt alone in her terror.

    • Ashana M July 21, 2017 / 3:44 am

      I think parents in a situation like this might be terrified themselves and so everyone just needs to not see the reality of the dangers. It’s pretty hard to say to your 7-year-old, I know you could die doing this, but I believe in you.

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