I don’t feel very coherent.

But I’ll give this a try.

I have been thinking about my parents. C seems kind of unsettled. She’s been talkative lately, which has been nice to see. She wanted a teddy bear. She wanted a new phone. We discussed these things. I couldn’t find a suitable teddy bear in a brick and mortar store here and resorted to Amazon. I showed her some pictures. She picked one out. We discussed the phone situation. I said I would buy her one if she needed it and to use her good judgment in buying it. The next day she decided she didn’t need it. I suppose that’s good judgment.

Anyway, I feel concerned for her in a vague way. She seems more and more troublingly enmeshed with Boyfriend. She signs herself LCD, which are his initials with her C sandwiched in the middle.

I imagine the core of it all is that she feels so bad the part of her feels good and worthy of being loved must be someone else. Just like I hate my first name, because it reminds me of growing up and my parents and abuse, it’s like this person who feels good must be someone different than the person you were before. But she might know good as willing to be controlled by someone more benevolent than her parents.

The trigger might be that her parents aren’t coming to her village to see her, since the rains are very bad this year. I don’t know when she was informed that they weren’t coming. It might be recently enough that it would reasonable to assume she is reacting to that. I have known for a week, but that doesn’t mean anyone bothered to tell her that.

Anyway, it makes me think about her and what would support her if she is having a hard time with it.

That makes me have to think about myself, because I mostly have my experiences to help me understand someone else’s.

What comes out of this for me is mulling over the cognitive dissonance of feeling bad in abusive situations and also not feeling that I am bad. It’s hard to explain how it comes to that, but that is a core element of what goes on in my head when I feel concerned for C.

What I think in regards to that is what resolves my cognitive dissonance is understanding the malevolence my parents felt for me. I hurt because my parents wanted to cause me pain.

And that’s where it gets difficult, because I can’t understand it. I can’t understand how they felt justified in any way in what they did. Never mind the horrors. I can’t understand how they felt entitled to demean me or call me names or how they did not realize they needed to interact with me and talk with me and take a genuine interest.

How did they not even not know right from wrong? And I can’t really get past it. What was wrong with them?

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