I sort of get it. There is something I do get about parts. Maybe.

I suppose I’ll start with that.

It’s psychic numbing. Analgesia is part of a response to stress-induced pain. I don’t know how it works. I was trying to read about, but I can’t concentrate at all today.

But you don’t feel the pain, and it means how you behave is not linked to the emotions associated with them. And it also does not feel like you, because you have lost track of being inside your body. You are watching these attempts to communicate feelings and those attempts don’t tend to make a lot of sense.

I have been thinking about this because as I have been sitting and trying to study for a credentialing exam, I notice different parts at play, and I started to see them as moods associated with goal-orientation, ranging from hope to frustration to despair. I am not in a place where I can quite feel them as sensations in my body, but I am starting to be able to recognize them at least.

This is important, because the way to calm down is to behave like someone who understands your point of view and these communicative behaviours can help you understand your own point of view, so that you can create this illusion that you are not alone.

My own understanding of myself and my inner world developed without a lot of outside influence. When you have difficulty trusting, I think that tends to happen. So there is this kind of idiosyncratic lexicon built out of my life experiences that other people really don’t know about, and often these are single experiences, because maybe I haven’t been whole often enough to have many moments with that emotion.

The parts are associated with colours. I have started to understand, through this process of studying, that this isn’t necessarily about liking those colours. Those colours represent something to me, and that might be because on some single occasion sometime I was wearing that colour or saw that colour and felt this way. I am trying to tell myself, “Listen, I feel like that blue time…” Or the purple time or whatever.

I was thinking about this today, because I have a job interview tomorrow. The part who gets jobs is Veroushka, who is represented by black. If I can get into a good Veroushka kind of place, I usually do well in the interview, and very often get the job.

There is an irony to this, because although I can’t really connect to the pain of Veroushka, I am pretty sure this is about total despair. Lana–who is brown–feels despair and hers is like stiff-upper-lip, we gotta get through this approach. Veroushka is a step beyond that, like wailing, tear your hair out kind of pain.

grieving women

The woman in front seems a good representation of the feeling inside.

Maybe that’s because she really wants the job. It might be that.

I have also wondered if it has to do with needing to reassess and adjust to life following some important losses, especially Nata. Whatever life is or could be, it is certainly Plan B. It is not Plan A. I don’t know what Plan A was, but this is not it.

Anything other than lying in the street crying is an acknowledgment that she is dead. So whenever I do basically anything, get a job, make a new friend, it’s this acknowledgment she is dead, life has gone on and lying in the street screaming won’t bring her back. We tried that and it didn’t work. She is not coming back.

So I am thinking about this and thinking why is the part of me who feels most suicidal gets me jobs? That’s what I have come up with.

The other thing I think about this is that as I go through life and try to make a go of things, I have to know that I can lose whatever I am trying to make a go of. A lot of people try to get through thinking, “That’s the past. People don’t die all the time. It won’t happen this time.”

But I think I can’t do that. People die. They stop caring about you. It hurts like nothing I can describe. And you have to risk that. You try things and fail, and it’s disappointing. You cannot wrap yourself up in cotton or denial.

You have to be brave and just try.