I woke up today feeling pretty insane. I don’t know how to describe that feeling of insanity or what makes me call it that. I don’t end up able to remember it well enough after to really say with precision.

I woke up in the night to call C–her boyfriend told me in the morning (for me) that the phone was with her. I called but she didn’t answer. I thought, well, maybe it was a bad time. It was after lights out for her. Not by a lot, but they are supposed to be in their beds and quiet. So in the night (for me) and afternoon (for her), I thought she might take the call.

She didn’t. And then I couldn’t sleep. A friend of hers happened to be online. I told her about it. She said she thought the boyfriend had taken back the phone.

Okay. Eventually I slept. But I felt really worried about her.

In the morning, when I woke up, I still felt something about it. I really missed her.

I have an idea I am not able to process feelings related to attachment experiences, because I was, essentially, conditioned not to have them. And yet I am a human being. I do have them.

So I began to think she posted some very nice birthday wishes on my Facebook timeline, and it was nice and felt good and I liked it, and I want her to come back, because I want that nice feeling again. I am, in a sense, remembering other experiences when I wanted a good feeling of connection to come back.

But I was an infant, so what I am remembering is screaming. Some part of my brain is sorting out, yes, that screaming experience is the same kind of feeling, the same kind of situation. I have to be able to feel that longing to know it’s the same longing, even if it’s not an effective response now to scream or run towards anyone.

The insane feeling is total dysregulation. I have to remember being totally dysregulated and to feel that infant dysregulation, without actually being dysregulated in the present.

It’s so hard.