I was in Target looking at pencils. There were some in bright colors and patterns with sharks on some of them. I liked them. I felt a little sparkle inside–I was looking at things to send C.

I recognized my next feeling as shame. I can’t really remember what I thought, but I really clear sense of feeling teary and being unable to raise my gaze.

I suppose I thought about it for a while, and it came back at other moments as well.

I began to connect it to my mother’s still face–a la The Still Face Experiment. Whatever my more adult cogitating about what I have to be ashamed about, it’s that feeling of sparkle that really feels to me like it isn’t okay. I feel, very deeply, it isn’t okay to be happy or to connect over a sense of shared joy. It doesn’t feel okay to be affectionate. That is the absolutely deepest feeling I have.

The other feeling I have that is just about equally difficult is feeling longing isn’t okay. It isn’t okay to experience separation express, to miss someone or to need someone.

There are other layers of trauma, other tough stuff to deal with–fears about performing up to a certain standard, for example–but those two are the most hard-wired. I can’t be happy and I can’t be sad.


2 thoughts on “Sparkle

  1. This.shaking April 24, 2017 / 5:56 am

    Ashana: There is something I am trying to learn. It feels as difficult as learning to deep sea dive. I have to trust that there really still is someone on the ship watching and caring for my lifeline. This is the lesson: That was then: this is now. TS

    • Ashana M April 24, 2017 / 7:53 am

      What has helped me is to think I really don’t know what’s going on now sometimes or what will happen, but it will all work out better for me if I can calm down enough to think clearly about it. It’s not about what I believe. It’s about calming my body down.

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