I had a brief chat with C. It felt good. It felt good just to have a brief connection with her, and I started to notice I had more energy suddenly. I felt optimistic. I went in the house and did some productive things.

I reflected back on what this book says I read last week (the one by Brene Brown): Joy gets us through the tough times. We cannot selectively numb, and when we use numbing to get through the bad times, we also lose the good stuff and we end up more depleted and less able to cope. I’m not blaming myself. I had no other useful strategies.

I had: therapy (which didn’t help) and activities (which left me numb).

I don’t really know what I am doing now, but I am able to cope with a lot more. I also take on less. I don’t grit my teeth and try to get through “healing” the way I believe I am supposed—to whatever that might be.

Anyway, I told her some things that were very vulnerable—just I love her, she is special to me. I started to realize how vulnerable I was. I started to think I don’t really feel worthy. I don’t feel good enough. But I am essentially all I have. And I am not good enough, there is not anything I can do. I just sat with that for a while. I am the best I have. I can keep trying to do better and be better, but at any given moment, I am the best I have to offer anyone. And it’s possible for someone not to like that or to consider me to be enough. There are no guarantees.

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