There is a lot on my mind these days and finally I have some time and hopefully some energy to write it out.
I’ll start with this one.
Mornings are often hard for me. I don’t know why. I have had several different ideas about it, but they just continue to be hard. I wake up and either lose my mind or fall into despair.
So today I woke up with an alarm I set in order to call C. I had woken in the night to call her at her “outing” time. She was unreachable. So I set the alarm for (a fairly reasonable time) that is her dinner time.
Switched off. Probably no battery left.
I went from there. The sadness inside is enormous and physically so painful. It happens and I really have no idea what to do. I lay in bed for a while, trying to remember what helps. Came up more or less blank. Lay in bed a bit more. Struggled with myself over the idea that I was trying to calm the fuck down and I also wanted a cup of coffee. Calming down didn’t seem to leave anything left over for standing up. Finally got the coffee.
I came back and a kid from Country X that I taught in 2014 wanted to chat. I think that settled me just enough that my brain started working again.
I felt warmth and it made me realize actually what I wanted to do was tell C goodnight and I hoped she had had a nice day. What I wanted wasn’t difficult or complicated or extreme. I had intense feelings about it, but the urge itself was pretty simple. And it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t overly demanding. It wasn’t inherently intrusive. The timing of it wasn’t great, because C happened to be unavailable at that moment. But the desire itself was pretty normal. I wasn’t justifying an inappropriate and intrusive demand by saying that. That is what it was.
I realized a lot of what I feel is actually like that. It’s just normal stuff I want, but the feelings around wanting those things are so intense, nothing seems normal or acceptable.