There is a holiday in Y-town again. I think it’s the Regional New Year. I don’t know the reason for this, but there is a Western/Central Country X New Year, which coincides with the Chinese New Year and there is a Regional New Year and I don’t know why.

The kids get 2 days of holiday and are allowed to go home from the hostel. So C’s uncle went to pick her up and he said she would call me. Which she didn’t. I keep getting promised phone calls, which don’t materialize. Then I am awake half the night worrying and wondering what to do, if anything. Frequently I am too upset to think straight and I do nothing, but it would probably be helpful if I called the person who was supposed to set up the phone call.

Anyway, today my eyes are full of sand and I feel like sleeping, but I am awake.

But I had something of an informative bit of processing last night. Two things were going on at the same time: she hadn’t called and I didn’t know where she was.

Not knowing where C is does something to me unlike anything else that triggers me. When I don’t know where she is, I feel like I have to find it. I feel very frantic about this, like it’s crucial I physically know where she is. And I also feel very angry—the anger does not always materialize, but it’s like I am primed for it. If there is any indication that something is actually wrong in real life and not just my mixed up mind, I feel very much like lashing out. I am inclined to lash out at C, because usually she is the reason that something is wrong. There is no one actually hurting her. I am mindful of this, and I know in times when I don’t know where she is I need to watch myself and work harder than normal at staying calm. And this has worked.

But inside I feel very much like a confused mama bear unable to figure out who is attacking my little bear cub.

I think this is related to a particular event. There are a lot of things lately that I am working with that are common to many events or are general patterns that happened in a variety of situations. This one feels like a single incident or like a finite number of incidents.

Anyway, I was really tired and couldn’t stay awake to receive her call. If she called, I would wake up, but I just couldn’t make it. And I woke up hours later with the lights on and realized she hadn’t. Then the usual feeling of franticness set in. I sat with that for a bit, wondering what to do. This is one thing I keep coming back to. Life goes on, despite the trauma reactions in my head and usually I do need to do something at these times. And it somehow needs not to be something insane.

So I just sat there with things, feeling the franticness which I know is a memory. It’s a memory that I don’t really understand. I couldn’t find someone and something terrible happened after that. I don’t really know what the terrible thing was. I no longer speculate about this. I have in the past, and I don’t know if my speculations have been helpful or not.

After a while, I had a sense of inkiness. I think this might have been something like confusion. I think confusion might have felt like an inky blackness in my mind. It may not have been a literal darkness.

And then there was a feeling of needing to put things together.

Fuck.

I know what follows running to find someone. I did find that person—whoever she was. And she was in pieces.

There are moments like these when I realize there’s a good reason I react so strongly to things. For most people, a moment when someone was not where she was expected to be never ended in a dismembered body. That’s not within the realm of possibility. But for me, that’s one of the possible outcomes. That’s something that could happen, because it did happen. People I loved really were murdered.

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