I have been watching my mind fall apart for the last few weeks. Not continually. On and off.

I read up about it a little too, because I wanted to know what was happening.

There were two or three things I wanted to mention.

One of them is that people with PTSD usually have trouble concentrating and maybe it’s because the intensity of emotions of trauma direct your attention towards reminders of the trauma. Intense emotions signal to your mind THIS IS IMPORTANT. PAY ATTENTION.

And maybe that’s why the emotions are so intense in the first place: Your mind is making some notes: remember this shit; it almost killed you.

So if your mind is directing your attention to one set of things—because something like that almost killed you—and you are trying to direct your attention somewhere else because either you know in reality what is going on in the present is more important or because you have learned that avoidance is of the best coping skills you have, it’s going to be very difficult. It’s like trying to conjugate Polish verbs with a child screaming in your ear. Yeah, difficult.

The other thing is that trauma seems to increase impulsivity. Which makes sense. Strong emotions motivate you to act. Duh. They are supposed to. Right along with THIS IS IMPORTANT comes WELL, FUCKING DO SOMETHING.

But if the thing that comes to mind is not actually the most nuanced or effective response. Well. You might end up with Borderline Personality Disorder.

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