One more thing

A last thought for the night.

C makes me realize that connection feels much the same. The relationship with your mom when you are an infant feels like falling in love, which is how it felt with C in the beginning of our relationship and how it sometimes feels now. I think that is because it is new.

And what this does in my mind is think that it doesn’t matter that much, as an adult, that I won’t have a nurturing “mom” relationship ever. Any positive, mutual relationship feels like that and actually meets my needs. I don’t need to be rocked and held or have someone tend to me like an infant. A partner or a child gives the same sense of belonging and connection.

The thing about being a child and having a mother is the mother sees you as you are: a child who needs things. What provides the connection is being seen. I am not a child who needs quite so many things now. I can tend to most of my own needs. But being seen is the foundation.

I can be seen. For me, that changes everything. It is like I am not broken forever. There wasn’t some developmental moment I missed and can never have again. It is though this lack of connection in the past stigmatized me in my own mind so that my lack of love in the past made me unloveable in the present. Maybe because I could not accept my own losses.

We learn from others what is real. Maybe I was waiting for someone else to tell me they were real. Maybe, unable to accept my losses, I could not see the hope that still existed.


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