I wonder about the trajectory of all of this—where is it going?
I was with C’s dad, C, his two other kids and we began to drive back to the main town and tears filled my eyes. I cannot actually remember what went through my head at that moment. Probably something. Stuff usually does.
And then I thought: it’s a moment of parting. So I am sad. Oh. Okay.
That might not seem a big deal, but it is to me. It’s like all of these long, complicated thoughts got reduced to a simple connection that makes it all easier to cope with. I don’t need to ruminate, because I know what it is.
Something similar happened in the morning. I was walking to a café for breakfast and coffee—this is the capital city. They have cake and croissants and espresso drinks. So I was carrying some old clothes, because I am done with them now and I am not taking them with me. And I got really, really overwhelmingly
sad. Bleak, hopeless, like life was going to end. And after a minute, I was like, Oh, shit, it’s the plastic bag. It is the memory of carrying my stuff in a bag, leaving foster care. I am on the verge of a parting, and that memory was activated.
It didn’t make it go away, which was kind of the difference from my previous expectations. I once, many years ago, imagined I would connect dots like that and all would be well. First of all, I couldn’t connect dots like that because the memories were just too painful. Second, you still have to cope with the feelings. They are still hard. It’s just you can stop feeling like a lunatic for having them, and just concentrate on calming the feelings. It doesn’t fix everything, but it makes it a little easier.