I was wrapping up my last post, when it came to me suddenly that C’s texts in the evening—and there are often texts in the evening—are about making sure I am home and I am safe.
C’s mother goes to social events like the ones I feel mostly obligated to attend and drinks.
A baby shower is very worrying to C.
She asks for a lot of recharges. Sometimes she actually wants them and sometimes she just can’t figure out how to get what she needs, but she called last night because it felt very urgent to her to make contact with me. Because her mother goes to these things and drinks, and doesn’t come home until late, and gets drunk and gets hungover. And C has secured for herself a way of finding out when I leave and to make sure that I am still functioning.
My heart breaks thinking this, and I think it is really true. It resonates for me, as though it actually lines up with the facts I know.
There are these little parts that are very frightened and don’t want me to leave, and there are adult parts of her who want to take care of me and they intersect at times. Last night was an intersection.
I feel so overwhelmed, thinking this. She was making sure I was still okay, that I left, and that I got home safely. She didn’t know she was doing that, but that’s what she was doing.