I don’t remember if I mentioned this, but my former therapist did respond. I made a call and left a voice message and she responded that day. She had been traveling. When I saw her, I don’t remember her taking many vacations, so I didn’t have that mind as the reason she didn’t respond. Anyway, she responded, asked a lot of questions (as she does), which I mostly answered in an email that turned out to be somewhat embarrassingly long. But they were a lot of questions.

She said she would be able to give me her full attention Tuesday 10/25. It is now Thursday 10/27. Of course, it isn’t really for her. It is for me. For her, it is still early evening on Wednesday 10/26.

It’s hard to wait.

Yesterday was mostly a shitty day. VP Ma’am left me alone most of the day, thankfully. In the evening, we had a farewell party and she came in later than me, because she had been in the group that cooked. I was sitting between two other teachers, and I was content to sit there. Naturally, VP Ma’am didn’t like that. I shouldn’t like sitting with other people. I should sit with her and give her attention.

When she is not stressed, VP Ma’am is a fine person. We have some nice talks even. When she is stressed, I hate her. I don’t want to be around her. She does nothing but contribute to my own stress, which I find hard enough to manage anyway.

And at social events, she hits me or she pushes me, and she does it really hard and the other thing is that I know she is doing this because she is angry. She is angry and she wants to hurt someone. It is a sneaky way of expressing anger.

I said I was fine where I was, and she did not really talk to me the rest of the evening. She gave a farewell speech to the man leaving, whom she doesn’t actually like as far as I can tell, that was really quite mean.

My leaving is going to be hard.

Anyway, so I am waiting on a reply from my therapist. VP Ma’am creates this kind of daily sense of threat, because she tries to force me to meet her need for physical proximity to a safe person and then gets angry when she doesn’t get it.

Meanwhile, I do think my memories that surfaced last year might largely be true and someone really important to me really was murdered 30 years ago next week.

My mind is a fucking mess.

Anyway, in the midst of weepy cooking this morning, as I thought about things I can’t even articulate except they were kind of like no one has any real interest in me. The best I can hope for is indifference.

Well, I took a bath, made the easiest lunch I could manage and got dressed. I muddled through anyway.

Walking to school, I began to think about how I felt, and I began to think about the authentic self-image of an abused and neglected child. I had a picture in my head of kind of a turd. Like a disgusting, small, unlikeable creature kind of begging to be allowed to survive. And I also had a sense of feeling I needed to be totally self-reliant, a sense of being unable to depend on anyone to help me, groveling for help when I needed it and otherwise needing to go it alone.

If my mind had been fully connected up instead of dissociated, that’s the person I would have experienced as myself. That would have been my whole, authentic self-image. I don’t think that’s the reason I am so dissociated. Maybe one reason. But I don’t think ego is the main issue. It’s that when you are a baby or a toddler, and there is no one to respond to you or help you regulate, and when your parent is very irritable, very reactive, and lacks empathy for your distress, then the only way to manage those intense, frequent episodes of painful feelings is to manage your attention and not think about them. I can feel it now, the shutting down of selected feelings that goes on.

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