I ended my last post abruptly because Toddler Man wanted my advice about writing his child adoption report. (We have been assigned 2-3 “adopted” children we are supposed to give additional academic support to. One of mine is the Boy’s sister. At midterm, she failed in 3 out of 4 subjects. She has disordered attachment, so mostly she flees from me. Good times.) Anyway, it’s good people do this, because I don’t know what I am doing or what kinds of documents I need to compile for my performance evaluation coming up the week after next. But I was trying to write a post about a sensitive topic, and it was totally triggering to me not to be allowed to do “my things.”
Despair sets in. I can’t even sit at my table and be allowed to write so that I don’t lose my mind today.
Anyway, I looked at what he had done, praised him (seemed good to me anyway) and went off to pee. Then it was time for assembly. I decided not to stand in my usual place, not to stand next to VP Ma’am, not to stand in what is now unpleasantly cool shade and I stood in the sun towards the edge of the grass overlooking the assembly ground, which is where all of us teachers stand.
VP Ma’am came and stood next to me. Good for her. She is at least not trying to force me to stand next to her.
She was angry. I hate this. She’s frequently angry. I know the reasons, but I don’t care. I get angry for the same reasons. C gets angry for the same reasons. I do not want to be her person. It happened by accident. I never meant to be someone important to her. I thought we could just be friends.
Anyway, assembly lasts about 20 minutes. So I stood for 20 minutes next to a furious person, and by the end of it, I wanted to die.
Afterwards, I had this very clear sense of how dangerous my childhood was. You don’t really survive because you want to. You survive because when you are six, you don’t have the executive control to make yourself dead. You live in spite of yourself.
Today is going to be hard.