I asked for help. I emailed my previous therapist and I said I needed to bounce ideas off someone and could she help me with that.

One of my long-time readers suggested I return to therapy back in the States and I was totally opposed to it, because I cannot see it helping. It didn’t help. For the longest time, it didn’t help. Maybe it did help, and I didn’t realize it, but I think that it didn’t. But it’s actually possible that this therapist could help me. Of all of the therapists I have seen, this is one of the few I would consider seeing again.

I need, actually, help devising a plan for C and for how I will help her and support her through knowing I am leaving and then through my absence. I have realized about myself that when I feel I know what can be done in a situation—what my best shot would be—and then I do it, my anxiety dissipates. I don’t have to be able to fix the problem, but if I feel this is what can be done, this is what I can do about it, then I can let go of whether or not it actually does what I want it to do. But if I feel I don’t know what to do, I can’t seem to get my brain back online, I can’t connect the dots about this, then I never let go of it. The anxiety stays there and I just kind of go insane. And I wanted to think how to support me also. I looked back at those sentences, and I thought that was in there and it isn’t. I need ideas for how to support both of us.

Then she didn’t email me back. Now, it’s maybe 3 hours later and I emailed her after office hours. But she didn’t respond, and I am losing my mind again. I am not losing my mind about my therapist. I am losing it about C. But for sure those two events are connected.

It has to do with my uncertainty about who I am. Most of the time, I feel of value to C. I was thinking about how to give myself support through the next few months, so that I can manage the transition of leaving Country X without losing my shit. So I was thinking what support am I getting from C? I think she is doing something for me. She is providing motivation to maintain a relationship. I know that much. But what else? Because if I can get that support from elsewhere, maybe it won’t scare me so much to be separated from her. And I started to think she is providing me with a coherent view of myself. The night she was talking about online shopping, she very abruptly switched and said she was her friend. But the friend said I know how much you care for C, I know how much you love her. Sorry, sorry. Do you forgive me?

I said tell C I am not mad at her and she said at that point I know how much you care for C and I will tell her. There was something so tender about it. Angry Child had said earlier in the conversation, “I know you don’t really care for me,” because I didn’t immediately say I would give money for online shopping. In that moment, she didn’t feel cared for, but some part of herself knows very deeply and clearly that I do care. I am writing about this now, and weeping. It makes tears stream down my face to think about it, but I don’t know why. The tenderness feels so deep and so real, even though that doesn’t exactly make sense. Even though it is buried in this conversation about getting money out of me. Even though most of her texts are asking for money. Even though she vacillates between needy and defended.

It suddenly flashes into my mind; I don’t know what my dad really did, but for sure he was sociopathic. He didn’t have proper emotions. He imitated emotions. Of course, I would worry that C doesn’t have proper emotions, and I would wonder if I am accurately perceiving her emotions. Of course, that is where my distrust schema would wander to. It would wander to whether I am accurately perceiving her emotions or her intentions.

More later.