It turns out that C didn’t just fail a test. She cheated. So she has 15,000 impositions to write. I don’t know when they were assigned. Maybe Friday. Anyway, she told me yesterday afternoon she had written only 500. Her friend told me the submission date was yesterday (there were four of them who cheated). I don’t know if they all had the same deadline, but I assume they did.

So.

My daughter.

It is making me feel insane, and I don’t really know the reason. I woke up this morning and I don’t even feel real. Yesterday does not feel like it happened to me—not that anything much happened. Life just generally feels unreal to me.

There is a tremendous pain inside me, and I don’t know the reason for that either.

C called yesterday. She never calls. She hardly ever even answers a call from me. I think I actually talked to her three times yesterday. I can’t quite remember, but I think that was right. She called once and asked to talk to the Boy. She wanted a voucher. There was another call when I finally got out of her that she cheated—I am not sure how that call happened. There was a third call when she wanted to talk to the Boy again. I guess she told him to behave himself.

The child I talked to was a very defended child, a little sullen. Mostly matter-of-fact. I think now this defended child isn’t so much protecting against the pain as allowing the child to still meet her needs in spite of the shame that makes her want to run away and hide. That is maybe only a difference in emphasis, but it might be an important one. Vulnerable Child would run away. Defended Child is helping the whole child find support. She’s an important part of the whole.

I think it might hurt so much because she needs me. My daughter is calling me repeatedly because she needs me. Somehow, all that want hurts me. I don’t know why. It really, really hurts.

 

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