I feel overwhelmingly sad and despairing. I don’t actually know why. It has a quite formless quality.
I wish I were not alive. It’s so difficult. I can’t even pinpoint why it seems so difficult.
I don’t know what has prompted this—only the faintest of guesses about it. I got a message from C last night, but I was asleep, really deeply asleep and I didn’t hear it. She wanted a recharge. This began over the holiday recently and continued. It can’t really go on. She needs some other way to get connection with me, but she doesn’t feel safe doing normal things. Like, you know, saying good night.
I am not sure why this is. Sometimes I wonder about it. How did this happen? It must have something to do with her own parents, and I don’t know them that well, so I don’t know what she has grown up with or the mind she has internalized as kind of generic mind. It really must be that her own mom rejects her affection and warmth, but sometimes provides this kind of indulgence to her. It has to be that. I cannot think of any other way in which normal social niceties, which almost anyone would appreciate, are too terrifying to do, but asking for money is safe enough to try sometimes. I know there is more vulnerability involved in expressing affection through words, and maybe that is why it is not allowed in her house.
Or I don’t know.
Thinking about this does seem to help with the despair, even if I don’t exactly have the answer.
I have an idea that my brain is trying to do something when it is trying to get what I call connection. It’s trying to synch up with another person in some way. When I can’t get that feeling of being synched up, stuff happens. I react. This cycle goes on in my head. I am pretty sure it is my brain telling me we can’t get a good connection going on here. Maybe we should try harder (Vulnerable Child). I feel sad and angry about it and I want it back (Angry Child). I am royally pissed off about it. Maybe I should throw a tantrum (Punishing Child). Maybe I should withdraw and despair. But it’s all about the same thing. I can’t get a connection going on. What do I do now?
I was thinking last night that I gave C a phone and she withdrew after that, not saying anything until after 9:30 in the evening, and even then not to say thank you or anything warm. It’s easy to see this as being discarded, but I think what she feels is warmth. A lot of warmth. And because she feels a lot of warmth for me, she feels a lot of shame. The warmth seems shameful to her.
As a child, I think my mother did that—withdrew after periods of connection. My father might have done that. As a child, I am sure I would have seen that as being discarded. I am sure it felt like being discarded. C might actually feel that she is discarding me, but she is defending herself against the shame of the warmth she feels for me.
Anyway, I went to sleep feeling I am not being discarded. I know very deeply that I am not. I know she wants me.
So that might be why I woke up feeling despairing. The deeper a sense of connection I have, the more sensitive I become, and any of a number of things could have happened in the course of a normal morning that might make me feel hopeless or rejected.
I don’t know. It’s hard.