The distortions are hitting me really hard right now. I don’t know why. C came down with a bunch of friends to my house for a short while. Now she has gone. Her leaving has made me feel very intensely, and basically my mind has gone insane.
I think I am worthless and this is a permanent condition. If suicide had more dignity to it, I would go for that. Where I am right now is thinking I have to muddle through the best I can, being what I am: a toxic, terrible, selfish person with delusions of goodness.
It’s astonishing to think this is happening to me because someone left me to go to school. Being left is so traumatic, that I just kind of go insane. I think I never let myself exactly get to this place before, where people were inside my heart and could do this to me. That’s why it’s hitting me so hard. The triggers have been less intense in the past, because I didn’t allow as much connection to form. There hasn’t been anyone to leave me in a long time.
Also, C blocked me on Facebook and I feel really, really sad. I don’t think she probably blocked me today or even yesterday. She isn’t on Facebook that much, and we don’t chat. I just leave messages periodically for her to see, so that whenever she is online and feeling vulnerable, perhaps, there is something loving and warm to look at. Wednesday, she was online late at night, and she might have done it then out of a sense of fear that she was doing things she shouldn’t. She might not even remember she has done it. I can’t trace it back to something in particular that I have done.
It’s an hour later. I had a chat with C’s ex-boyfriend, who said C pretends not to know him. Then the Boy came home and we bought shoes for school. I have kind of found my mind again. But a lot of stuff is swirling around in my head. One thought is that the abuse I experienced really was severe. It doesn’t get fixed overnight. And I also thought, as I have thought a few times recently, that I don’t know what C experienced at home, but I think it was quite severe. That is not going to get fixed overnight either.
Some stuff happened while she was here. The Boy was here, and he was feeling shy, so he wanted momos and said he didn’t. Then he didn’t get any. I got up very quickly to give him momos, and C gave me a look like did I just shit on the carpet? I should have done something, and I didn’t. I don’t know why. It’s possible that I actually was angry at her, but I think it is hitting me very forcefully that I impact people. I am not invisible, and I think that’s hard for me to cope with. So I was coping with that, and I didn’t give her the reassurance I think she needed. It seemed to me she went away after that.
It happened yesterday also. I was supervising grass-cutting and some other stuff, and some of the students were being very difficult about it, and I got very angry. So I was walking from one place to the other, and I could see some of the students noticed I was angry. I didn’t feel I was necessarily emoting that much—I didn’t feel myself to be fuming—but it was enough of a change that they felt it. I could feel something in them in response to what was in me. Then they commented, and I told them. Some of the students don’t want to work, and I am angry.
I impact people. How I feel impacts people, even when I don’t express it intentionally. It might be that that has not actually happened that much before. In the past, I might have shut down the anger more completely, and it’s possible it would not have been visible. I don’t want to. It’s scary.