I wrote a long post yesterday and seem to have lost it. I can remember it, but I don’t really have time.

It is Sunday, and usually sometime in the week, I get a note from C that says basically, “I want money. And don’t come.”

Which I interpret as, “Are you still going to take care of me? I am scared. Maybe you don’t want me. Are you there? I can’t tell if you are there or not.”

Up to now, I send the money with the Friend so that C gets reassurance on the first part, and then I tell her I am going to come anyway. And I do.

This week, I have been writing to her about it. In the past, I have explicitly said this is how I am hearing it. I am hearing you are worried whether I am still here and whether I will take care of you, and I am here and I will take care of you still. But this week, I have been writing to her about the feelings she had so strongly when it was outing time, and I came to get her and she would not come. She cycled through modes pretty hard, and she felt very ashamed and sad when I left. So during the week—I send her a letter every day, along with pancakes and sometimes other stuff—I wrote to her about shame. I said in a few different ways, “I love you when you feel ashamed. When you feel really, really bad and that no one can love you, I love you. I don’t stop caring about you when you feel you are bad.”

I didn’t get a note last night, and I felt worried. I didn’t know what that meant: if she was coping better, and didn’t need to check, or if she is too afraid to reach out in any way. I sent a message before I went to bed. Just good night I love you. I had no idea if she had her phone with her or not, but anyway my heart is constantly on display anyway, so I went ahead with it.

A while later, when I was sleeping, I got a message asking for a recharge. I had turned off the volume for message alerts and forgotten about it, so I didn’t notice until maybe an hour later, after I woke up again. It was getting near to 10 o’clock.

I said yes and some other stuff. In the past, I would not have said yes. I would have said it’s late. The shops are closed. Most of them were. The one that was open didn’t have vouchers for her phone. (There are two phone companies in Country X.) I kept sending her messages. Some of them, “I am here” kinds of things. Some of them updates on the progress. I said they didn’t have her kind of voucher, only the other one. (Somebody else in the hostel would have that phone company and she can use someone else’s phone.) She said okay. Send that. So I went back to the first shop. I got the voucher and came home again, and I sent the voucher numbers.

I was really worried, because this hasn’t happened in a long time. I haven’t gotten these frantic messages that she needed to talk to someone at night. It could mean she was more frantic, and less able to keep it together. Or it could mean that she felt safe enough with me again to show her franticness. Something happened with her after midterm, where she was in adult mode or detached mode more of the time and reaching less. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing for her, or what caused it. It might be that the matron has made her feel unsafe being close to me: the other teachers seem to notice how much I care and appreciate it, but the matron is a different case.

Anyway, it was worrying. I sent her texts over the next 30 minutes or so. Some of these were about shame, because shame is a part of the dynamic. After a while, she stopped reading. Maybe it was too much, too stimulating, too activating, too everything. I don’t know. I felt really very worried. I was worried she wasn’t coping. I know it’s my disorganized attachment also. I am worried because closeness makes me feel scared, and she reached out to me. I fell asleep and woke up a few times in the night. At after midnight, she hadn’t read my last texts. At 4:30 am, she had. I sent her a message, “I am here and I love you.”

She didn’t answer and I didn’t expect an answer. I don’t know how this stuff lands for her. I tried really hard to be there for her last night and I have no idea if I was. I am throwing darts a lot, just hoping something hits.

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