C is scheduled to come back this evening. I have asked her to please tell me when she arrives at her hostel. We have this thing we teach kids about probability. Certain, likely, unlikely, impossible. There must be something in the middle for even odds that I can’t remember just now, but anyway I am going with impossible on this one. She will not be able to tell me. I will need to deduce—something which is easier at some times than others. This is not one of them. But I have to know, don’t I? That is my job. The last time she ran away and hid from me, I realized this. Whatever she does, it is my job to appear at approximately the time I tell her I will, even if I don’t know where she is. The fact that this used to be fairly easy and is not considerably harder does not change her expectations of me. I am meant to appear. I have always appeared.
Meanwhile, I feel insane.
Reunions are hard. They are hard for her and they are hard for me. I am feeling it tonight. Absolutely feeling it. Or at least I was until I started writing this. Then stuff went inside a bit. Okay. I suppose that’s fine. It’s hard to take forever. I am cycling. It’s interesting in its own way. Thoughts drift through my head—no one is home with me right now, so it’s pretty much just thoughts. No actual events are happening other than the rain outside. The thoughts seem to trigger emotional states. I am not having a lot of thoughts, but it’s hard to not think at all. I have not yet achieved that place of zen-like emptiness.
So there’s fear and there’s anger and there is shame and there is this immense, sad, painful longing that has me completely in knots inside. The other feelings are almost a relief from it, it is so intense. And I am thinking, basically this is there because I have not quite learned how to regulate it yet. It is, I suppose a trauma reaction, but it’s there now because I don’t quite know how to make it just chill out. Wow.
It threw new light on our last reunion after midterm. So this is what C was feeling. First joy at seeing me, then sadness, then this horrible longing, then shame, then anger. I was there not doing that much, and she did react to me, but mostly this is just what was happening inside of her, much like it is happening to me now. Wow.
It’s going to be a hard evening.