The last few days have been really, really hard. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I go to school and things go pretty well and then I come home and after a while the emotions hit me again. There is just a lot to process, and it is so painful.
Being safe does not mean my needs are going to get met. Society is designed to meet the needs of the majority of people, but I am not like them, and sometimes it does not meet my needs. I was thinking about this because of the 1-hour drive home from the workshop that my friends managed to stretch into 3 hours. That met their needs. They were not ready to let go of the experience of being with this group of people and working closely with them for 5 days, and so they extended the goodbye. They extended the goodbye because it met their needs.
It made me feel helpless and terrified, because I needed to meet C. I needed to know she had weathered the previous 5 days acceptably well, and I needed to do it before 8 pm when study time started.
They didn’t give a fuck. They didn’t give a fuck that I did not want to ride in a vehicle where the driver had been drinking, nor they care that a child with an attachment disorder was waiting for me. And they didn’t give a fuck because these things were rather out of their range of experience or knowledge, and they were not interested in learning. They are not terrible people. Mostly, they care about me.
But not that much.
And that is kind of typical of society in general. This situation was essentially Country X, but it happens. Society is arranged to meet the needs of adults who don’t have attachment disorders or severe trauma. It is not fair. I was traumatized in childhood when I did not have choices and now must deal with the painful consequences of it with sometimes very little flexibility or understanding about it.
I had gotten this idea that if I could get it together to trust other people, I would discover that my fears about trusting were all distortions and people were not trustworthy in the past, but they are trustworthy now. They are not.
The thing about healing from an attachment disorder is that I have not a lifetime to discover how much to trust people, who to trust, or under what conditions I ought to trust. Because my mind has not had good connectivity, I have switched between these states of trusting too much and trusting too little. I have not accumulated knowledge and experience about trustworthy people are. There are going to be bumps in it. It is not about just opening up. It is about opening up gradually, and having that process of opening up be full of experiences like this, where I my trust is betrayed, and then having that betrayal of trust spark intense feelings I have to cope with.
The thing about being safe is that I am no longer going to be attacked just for existing.
I still have to take care of me in a society that is not designed to meet my needs and sometimes makes it difficult for me to even try to meet my own needs.