I am totally overwhelmed. I don’t know that this has ever happened to me exactly before. Not like this. I have been overwhelmed when I had catastrophizing thoughts running through my head scaring me. I have never had it like this when my brain isn’t doing that. It’s kind of sitting there, waiting for me to find the on button. I mean, it is doing things, but it’s doing things like mentally writing a blog post about how it feels to me for this to be happening. It is commenting on how lonely it is to be overwhelmed with no one safe to talk to. It’s in this very reasonable state. I mean, those are fairly reasonable things to be doing. But my emotions are anything but reasonable.
I woke up in the night around midnight. I guess I fell asleep around 10. What I felt at that point was just awful. I guess maybe it was a longing and a sense of being frozen at the same time. It was wanting to reach and not being able to reach, and it was so intense it was absolutely torture to be in it. It didn’t go away for a long time—I guess maybe an hour and a half or so. I didn’t know what was causing it or what to do about it. I did know I needed to sleep, but I couldn’t calm down. No amount of deep breathing could get the feeling to subside.
I did after a while start to imagine hugging C, and that helped. It brought the intensity down inside.
With the intensity of the emotion down a little bit, I suddenly realized what it was about: it is about being placed in care and about being removed from care. It’s about the feeling of being kidnapped. I kept it together throughout the workshop, and it’s hitting me now. It’s hitting me harder, because C is really insistent on my not meeting her in the hostel and because the matron is wigged out or was wigged out over something I don’t get and I don’t want to keep stepping on her toes.
So there is a separation. I don’t perceive it as abandonment. I see it as getting stolen. Abandonment would trigger different memories and different feelings. Getting stolen is scary in a different way, because there are people there, but I don’t trust them. I desperately want the previous people, who aren’t there, and I have to keep it together in front of these other people, because they will hurt me.
It is hitting me now because I had to leave. I chose to leave Y-town for a few days at the start of midterm holidays, and I came home and it took me maybe a week to recover. Then I was forced to leave Y-town for five days and I came back to a situation where it feels that C is being stolen. The matron is stealing her, because she has scared C into insisting I not meet her. She has made C feel even more unsafe. C would be having a hard time right now anyway, but the matron has made it worse.
I desperately need my brain to work to think how to help C with her feelings around not being safe and I need to know how to handle the matron, and my emotions are doing this right now. They are reliving being stolen. It is absolutely fucking awful. And I have to do this, because without my emotions, I cannot think. They are too overwhelming to think while I am having them, and without them I am missing all kinds of important subtleties. So I have to cope with this. I have to cope with the emotions I have so I can get through to a place of rationality.
It is so fucking hard. And it is also so incredibly lonely. I do wish I had someone to talk to about what I am going through right now, and I think there probably isn’t anyone. There might be. I need someone to talk to who won’t engage in forecasting the future, because the last thing I need is to start thinking about what the future might hold for C. I need someone to talk to who doesn’t have an unreasonable degree of certainty about their opinion. In other words, I need someone who won’t tell me that everything will be fine. I don’t want anyone to tell me that because a) absolutely the last thing I need to be doing is weighing the question of whether things will be fine or not and b) you know less than I do about the situation and I don’t know. The only conclusion I can draw from someone who thinks they know the future you have no idea about is that you can’t be bothered to think or to understand.