There is this sensation that happens from time to time that I have been working to understand and also to calm. It often happens at night. I wake up in the night sometimes—it is not always at night, but it often is. It’s often on those nights after I have come down from seeing C. I come down feeling very settled and go off to bed and sometime later, I have this feeling. I thought it was fear.
I started to think the night before she came back (and I left again), when it was coming on very strongly, that this is crying. It’s an infant crying. There isn’t any single emotion attached to it—just muddled distress—but physically, in my body, it is that intense muscular contraction of crying.
Then today, at our workshop, I had it again. It sort of drifted in while I was trying to manage the other stuff on my mind and also kind of halfway pay attention, and I realized it’s screaming. It’s a small child screaming at the top of her lungs. I was missing C a lot today—it’s Sunday, I always see her, and today I can’t. I am also at a boarding school right now, and boarding schools in Country X are somewhat the same. The routine is very much the same. It reminds me of her, and of what activities she would be engaged in on a Sunday. So I knew that was the trigger for what I was feeling, and I just tried to take time when I could to manage those feelings. Anyway, I could feel that sensation in my body, and I realized that was the feeling of screaming.
It just makes me sad.