There is this sensation that happens from time to time that I have been working to understand and also to calm. It often happens at night. I wake up in the night sometimes—it is not always at night, but it often is. It’s often on those nights after I have come down from seeing C. I come down feeling very settled and go off to bed and sometime later, I have this feeling. I thought it was fear.

I started to think the night before she came back (and I left again), when it was coming on very strongly, that this is crying. It’s an infant crying. There isn’t any single emotion attached to it—just muddled distress—but physically, in my body, it is that intense muscular contraction of crying.

Then today, at our workshop, I had it again. It sort of drifted in while I was trying to manage the other stuff on my mind and also kind of halfway pay attention, and I realized it’s screaming. It’s a small child screaming at the top of her lungs. I was missing C a lot today—it’s Sunday, I always see her, and today I can’t. I am also at a boarding school right now, and boarding schools in Country X are somewhat the same. The routine is very much the same. It reminds me of her, and of what activities she would be engaged in on a Sunday. So I knew that was the trigger for what I was feeling, and I just tried to take time when I could to manage those feelings. Anyway, I could feel that sensation in my body, and I realized that was the feeling of screaming.

It just makes me sad.


5 thoughts on “Screaming

  1. This.shaking July 18, 2016 / 2:56 am

    Yeh, Ash. I’ve started calling it “Baby-on-Board.” Currently for me, in New York, on the hottest July Days, freezing. So I’m going to pass on some advice I’m giving myself (with, so far, little luck). Imagine that Beautiful Baby wrapped up in an front-pack and held safely on the front of your body. Near your milk. Near your face. Safe, with you. There, there, Sweetie. TS

  2. Ellen July 18, 2016 / 6:50 am

    That sounds painful Ash. I have a specific feeling that I wake with in the night, over and over. For me it’s a feeling of intense loneliness. I never feel that intense feeling during the day though. It does seem like a fragment from my past that doesn’t relate directly to my days, though my mind could go crazy and tell all kinds of terrible stories about it, and often does.

    I hope you are re-united with C very soon.

    • Ashana M July 18, 2016 / 7:47 pm

      Yeah, it is painful. There is not always any emotion attached to it. Just a physical sensation. It seems like it takes a long time for things to collect into a coherent experience of any kind. I think your growing up years were intensely lonely.

  3. Rachel July 19, 2016 / 12:27 pm

    The screaming feeling sounds awful. I’m impressed with your noticing and awareness; it takes PhD level of mindfulness to be able to distinguish something like this screaming.

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