I had high hopes for today.

This happens sometimes. I feel like something really happened inside and the next day is going to be great and, of course, it never is great. I think probably it’s never, but maybe it’s just sometimes. Anyway, I woke up and today was not great. I felt very terribly sad. There was no story to go along with this. I might have created some stories now. Whether they are true or not, I don’t know.

Over the last few days, I have had a sense that parts of me that didn’t grasp the emotional reality of having been abused as a child are starting to get it now, and those parts of me are very, very sad about it.

I am also seeing the feeling of worthlessness and the punitiveness in my head with more compassion. It feels terrible to have one’s needs and feelings so totally ignored as to have one’s body violated for someone else’s profit. It is terrible to have one’s need for safety be so totally ignored as to be placed in a freezer or a wooden box. It is terrible to be intentionally or neglectfully terrified out of one’s mind.

It’s terrible to have that terror and feeling of violation be unimportant to the people who have control over your life and your body. It really, really does.

I have, at least periodically and maybe only briefly, tried to listen to that. Yes, it felt terrible. It really, really did. It’s okay to remember that it felt terrible. It’s okay to feel sad that it felt terrible.

It’s hard to break the habit of pushing this away and maybe thinking if I really feel that then I am letting them win. Or something. I am staying stuck in it. I don’t know. I know you don’t get stuck in it. You can’t, actually. If nothing else, your attention wanders. You start to think, “Maybe I ought to do laundry,” or you get distracted reading something or you realize you are hungry. I think it is fighting it that makes it so hard, that keeps you stuck. But you fight it because you feel it isn’t safe to feel it. Something dreadful will happen to you. Something dreadful has happened to you for having feelings. It was, at some time in your past, important not to feel.

This is my thought this morning. I am just sad.

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