I was thinking about this again, because now C is gone, and I am cycling through trauma feelings. It seems to me I had this thought that I ought to try harder to live with that, to not care whether I was loved and wanted. I can’t quite explain that, but it’s like I had this feeling that I ought to be able to not give a damn better than I was doing.

I have also been thinking that although I can’t go back and change the past, I am still the same person. The person I am now is the same person I was as a child, and that little child who did not get love and care can still get love and care now, because I am still me.

Specifically, I was thinking that I can care what it was like to be me, what hurt and why and how it hurt not just at a knowing level but at a feeling level, inside my body. I can care how sad I felt to not be cared for.