No, I have it backwards. My implicit memories are of my reaching out to get my attachment needs met and withdrawing in order to maintain the bond with parents by complying with their wish for me to not have needs.

I have this new idea that my suicidal feelings and wishes to self-harm are implicit memories of trying to take their perspective and in that way attempt to maintain the bond with them. It felt like they wanted me to be dead, and that I was also bad and needed to be punished. Those seemed to be their deepest wishes about me. They were violent, but I don’t think your parents need to be violent to generate that feeling that they would like you to be dead. It’s an inner deadness they seem to be after, one in which there is no “you” left—no needs, no feelings, no transgressive opinons, nothing difficult.

It’s untenable though. You can’t really die. You can’t realistically tell your parents to stuff it. I mean, you can and most of us do, but you can’t mean it.

That feeling that I am worthless, that is me thinking I need to go into my little hole and try as best I can to be psychically dead. Despair is a response to the impossibility of my position. It isn’t the cause of the suicidal ideation. It can be, but in this case I think it isn’t. The despair follows the suicidality, because that’s not really going to work. I cannot psychically kill myself even though I have to try. Nothing is going to work. I am just fucked.

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