In a hole

So it’s one of those days where life seems to be just a black hole.

I don’t really know the reason for this. C got very angry at me last night for about 3 minutes and lashed out. This is happening more. It used to never happen. She was frequently Angry Child, and Angry Child is vulnerable and sad and not threatening. Last night she was Punishing Parent and wanted to hurt me, and it has crossed my mind this scares me. It scares me when VP Ma’am switches into that part, and it scares me when C switches into this part. I felt very hurt and sad at the time. I had that very trauma-based confused feeling, “Why does she want to hurt me?” Well, she wanted to hurt me, because she felt rejected and unwanted, and Punishing Parent is a less vulnerable way of expressing this than Angry Child. Vulnerable Child and Angry Child are vulnerable ways of expressing feelings, and Teen Mode and Punishing Parent and Detached Mode are more defended.

Anyway, last night, she lashed out for a second. She said, “After midterm, I won’t take money from you. I will ask my mom or my grandmother.” We were talking about money, because what is happening now is not going well. I have spent about 200 dollars on her in 2 weeks, and it is too much. I knew I was spending too much, and I knew it couldn’t go on, but what I had in place as a solution to that isn’t working. It is making her feel scared and ashamed.

I asked her why. I said, “Because you think I don’t want you?”

No answer.

“Because you think I don’t want to take care of you?”

I think she did answer that. I think she said, “You don’t want to take care of me.”

I said, “I really, really do. I like taking care of you.” I said this in a very sincere and heart-felt way, and I think I said it more than once. I think I also said that she feels very scared asking her mom for money. I don’t think she feels as scared asking me. It’s better if she asks me for money. I think I said that.

I said some stuff about it not working. I said what we are doing now is making you feel scared and ashamed. I explained again how when she has no money, she feels very scared, and I don’t want her to feel scared. And I also said I think it’s causing you problems with your friends, and I explained about that, although perhaps not that well. I said I am trying to avoid that scared experience for her. I said maybe it’s better if I give her money every time I see her, just a small amount, so that she always has a little bit of money, but when she really needs things I can buy it for her, or she can do her shopping and give me the change. Now, she has lots and lots of money, but she spends it, and then it is gone, and she feels scared all over again, and she also feels ashamed for spending it.

So I said all of this, hopefully coherently, and it seemed to me tears came to her eyes. She didn’t make eye contact and in between someone came and sat on the bed opposite from her wanting something. This is the kind of thing that drives me absolutely mad about Country X. There is frequently a feeling of talking to fleas, that attention cannot be sustained on anything, and no thought is given to sustaining attention on one thing. I mean, it’s not a priority.

People complain about short attention spans in the US, but you should see what people are like in an undeveloped country. Life is basically a series of wandering meanders. The idea of having an opinion and supporting it with evidence is a completely unheard of concept, because no one can sustain attention on anything long enough to do that. Disagreement is inevitably something like what my sister and I did when we were 6. “Yes, you did.” “No, I didn’t.” People just repeat themselves, sometimes louder and more aggressively. Because linking ideas together is simply not done. Meanders.

Anyway, she wrote a note to her friend. I guess they had been fighting. She gave it to the girl who interrupted our conversation. It might be that I had said more or less what needed to be said anyway. C blew her nose into her National Dress (as she does). I think she had had tears in her eyes while I was talking to her. Her head was down, but I think she took in what I said, and I think she took in the idea that what I was saying came from a place of care, and that I cared about how she felt.

More later.














































6 thoughts on “In a hole

  1. desilef June 20, 2016 / 11:49 am

    She has got to be really freaked out about you leaving, uncertain about what will happen to her next.

    • Ashana M June 20, 2016 / 12:00 pm

      She is going to see her parents for the first time in 5 months, and be separated from me for 2 weeks. I think it’s a shorter time-frame problem than my going in December. 🙂

  2. Rachel June 21, 2016 / 9:46 am

    You tried, you are trying and doing what feels right in each moment. She is likely going to be furious at you no matter what you do, if that is any consolation. The black hole sounds difficult. And just very unpleasant. Black holes are lonely.

    • Ashana M June 21, 2016 / 10:01 am

      Yeah, you are right. Thank you 🙂 And I wish she knew that. I feel very deeply inside that this is lonely for her too, that she has no real idea why she is reacting the way that she is, why she is pushing me, why she is so angry at me, and I try to give her little bits of psychoeducation so that she gets it, but even accepting that she has been severely mistreated is probably very painful for her.

      • Rachel June 23, 2016 / 6:44 am

        It probably is painful, and she is so young. And still somewhat in it, which also will make it hard for her to see the dynamics. Her bio-parents are still there, she doesn’t have distance in the way we get as adults once we have established lives of our own.

      • Ashana M June 23, 2016 / 12:20 pm

        Yes, and she still needs them to take care of her, so she is invested in pleasing them. It’s hard.

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