I came out for assembly this morning, and VP Ma’am looked me up and down and saw I was wearing new national dress and complimented me on it. Then she said, “But it’s too short.” And she sort of launched into this tone she has. It’s hard to describe. It’s kind of scolding. She pulled up my national dress top and looked at the top of the national dress skirt to see if it was long enough. I was standing in front of my students. I was hardly going to engage in major dress rearrangement if it was called for.
Then she said, “How are you? Did you get good sleep?” I shook my head, and she continued in the same vein, more scolding. “You are always worrying about useless things. You shouldn’t worry.”
This was 8:30 in the morning. I wanted to say, “Thank you for starting the day off so nicely for me,” with heavy sarcasm, but I didn’t. I was silent.
Actually, C had sent a letter down on Tuesday, but her friend forgot it. Then her friend gave it to me yesterday evening, around six. It said she wanted to come with me to US for a month to work and make money to help her parents. Well, she can’t work, but I have the idea it’s not about that. It’s about wanting to come with me, but the whole year is too much. I had that sense of her baring her soul underneath a layer of Teen who wasn’t revealing the true level of vulnerability.
I knew no response until Friday would pretty much drive C out of her mind, so I sent a text to her friend. Thank you and something about being very happy. Actually, I was so overwhelmed with feelings, I cried for quite a while. Later, she replied to me. I suppose it was after eight. “You are welcome.” She said.
I might have said your love and trust are precious to me.
Then she said she would go to the Capital City next year with her dad to study. Maybe they are moving to the Capital now. I will have to ask her. I said ok. I said in 2018 I will try to find a job there. She said ok and something else I don’t remember. Then I said I will pay her expenses. She said no need my dad will pay. At that point, I got very hurt. I don’t know why. At a conscious level, I had the idea that her father is making great promises to her about everything he will do for her—he has promised her a new and better phone if she is able to qualify for Class 11. He isn’t going to deliver. He got transferred for drinking and gambling and being an all-round asshole to people. So it worries me. I said I am so worried to leave you, but I think that was earlier.
Anyway, I said I want to—talking about paying her expenses. And then, but if you don’t want, it’s okay. Something like that.
It was a decent exchange really, but I imagine she is either overwhelmed by distortions or she actually knows how I feel, just as I know how she feels even if she just says “yap.
She said, “Okay, sorry. I can’t go with you. I will just go to the airport.”
I still don’t know what was going on with me. I had this feeling about the future in the exchange, that there was one. That our relationship has a future of some kind, and she will continue to bring me joy as she does now in the future, and I drifted into a sense of it being unreal. I have noticed that lately. I talk to her and later I have this thought it’s unreal. It seems to be like a flashback of some kind. I felt really despairing.
I said it’s okay. It’s scary to go to a new country. I know because I was scared to come here. Then I sent some other text, something warm. I can’t remember what.
She didn’t respond after that, and I knew she was retreating into this place of being completely untrusting, and probably emotionally pummeling herself, and the reason for not going would be she doesn’t deserve all of that. It was too much warmth for her, too much connection, and probably too much for me also. It seems like she has been Healthy Adult with me more often lately. She is cycling a lot more, and I am getting more little flashes of Healthy Adult, and these are related, because Healthy Adult gives deep connection. There is a different feeling about her in that state. Every time I see Healthy Adult, it might be I can expect this kind of cycling.
Anyway, that’s why I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sort my own issues and I couldn’t figure out why I was reacting the way I was to C and I couldn’t settle either.
But the point is that VP Ma’am again attacked me. She did it in this very clever way, where she got me to lower my guard by saying something warm first, and then she attacked me. The other thing is she stands next to me and seems very much out of her body. I mean, she bounces up and down like a small child or plays with the bushes. She is very restless and it is very much like watching a part in action. It isn’t like her normal adult self. And I think this is baby trauma. I think I have found lots of people with baby trauma in my life these days.
I was really angry at her and especially angry that it wasn’t the best day to start with, and now I have something else to sort out. I began to realize this is what happens. She is dysregulated because of the feeling of closeness she has to me, then she gets angry and punishes me for it, and the difference between her and C is that VP Ma’am doesn’t care that this hurts me. It’s like, “Ok, now my work is done.” She doesn’t particularly care that she has made my life that much harder for me.
But the piece from VP Ma’am that needed processing, which I had touched on before, was this felt sense that someone is trying to hurt me, and it is a terribly confusing feeling to me. Somehow, my child self could not really understand that my parents wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t accidental. It gave them either pleasure or a sense of vindication. As a child, the sense of betrayal was profound.