So yesterday was the former king’s birthday, which we celebrate by planting trees. It is also the day I remember as the one where I noticed C, like really saw her, and realized she needed something. As the day went on yesterday, in more or less the same way as it had last year minus C, I noticed that and I reflected on it.
One conclusion I reached is that there was already a relationship between us at that point. I don’t know how the relationship developed, because I never spoke to C. I spoke to her once in 2014, and she gave me such a confused look I never spoke to her again. I assumed she thought it was weird I was talking to her. It never crossed my mind that she couldn’t process what I was saying. She has problems with auditory processing, and her English was not at all fluent, and that didn’t cross my mind, because I was teaching other students in the same grade.
Anyway, I think there was already a feeling of connection between us, but I was so dissociated this did not penetrate my consciousness because it wasn’t obvious.
I think that because when I think of how she behaved that day, it was like someone in modes. The modes surface due to trauma popping up and due to the suppressed need for connection. She was displaying modes because she felt something strongly for me already. I don’t know why she felt something, except that maybe we identify with each other.
C is really, really generous. If she had only 2 shirts and you needed one, she would give one to you. If you needed a shirt and she had only one, she would give that to you also. She is generous and she has her own very definite conscience and she is at her core independent. She has very particular things she wants to do. This gets surrendered for other people’s needs quite a lot, but deep down she has her own mind. I like C’s good qualities, and it is very possible she likes mine.
It might also be that I began to meet her needs without realizing it. She needs proximity to an attachment figure and she needs protection. At the end of the day, when I am tired and out of patience, the other teachers usually gather in the staff room to make noise and scare me. J Last year, I used to go outside and watch the kids pray. At least I felt useful then, and it gave me a connection to Nata, who was religious and prayed. So I went outside and watched them pretty much every day and I sat around or walked around and looked stern and reprimanded the ones who were playing. I think this did something for C that I didn’t realize, and she began to feel a stronger connection to me beyond this was my friends’ teacher and that is why on June 2nd last year, she responded to me like I was someone she wanted to impress. I had been there watching her for months. I had been supervising an activity she is responsible for managing and controlling. I was someone who seemed to be consistently there and who was capable of setting safe boundaries for the kids around her. And I watched, which can give a child a feeling of security when it is done appropriately. My attachment figure will intervene at the right moment, because she is watching me. I watched C, and it may have given her that feeling of being supported.
I don’t think there is any other explanation. When I remember her from June 2nd last year, I can see her Vulnerable Child on display in the pictures I have of that day in my mind. I can see the Teen. I don’t know that they would be there unless there were a feeling of connection triggering it. That feeling of connection could be from someone else, but I don’t really think so. I think it was from me.