When C walked into the hostel, she had Angry Child face on. She smiled at me and Angry Child seemed to go away for a while. She was kind of average, adult. She went to get dinner—without saying anything this time, just went. She came running back maybe ten minutes later, grabbed her pillow, and ran out again. I figured someone must have fainted or something. Indeed, someone had. I wandered out of the hostel room and saw her in what I guess is the Class 11 room. Or one of them. I guess there are six rooms. There must be fewer students in Class 11 and 12 because they have to pass an exam in Class 10 to continue. It is not a standardized score they must achieve, but a norm-referenced score of some kind. Only a certain percentage make it.
Anyway, she was there. The young woman in the bed seemed to be unconscious. I touched her face, and she wasn’t feverish. Someone was talking to her and after a minute it seemed she was speaking again.
C led me back to her hostel. I think she had this feeling I had escaped. I was not in the room she had left me in, where she feels I am safe. I was wandering off again, doing things. I could get hurt. I don’t know if she really feels that way, but sometimes I have this sense about her. Sometimes it makes me think this is how abusive relationships develop. The person is frightened their attachment figure is not safe, and they exert control to keep them safe, and they do not have the empathy to realize this is harmful to their attachment figure.
That is an aside, however. She came back with me, ate quickly, and wanted me to leave. She wanted me to come back tomorrow. She had an excuse about wanting to tend to the sick girl and feeling worried about her. I think she did feel worried, but didn’t know what to worry about. The sick girl is what came to mind. She said also the Class 11 girls are “saying things.” I asked what. I imagine she just felt fearful. (She was telling me to leave. When I am leaving, she feels fearful, just as I get paranoid when I am leaving her.) Anyway, she said they are saying she is not giving time to me.
I don’t think they probably are. I don’t think they necessarily notice her enough to say anything much, although they are vaguely curious about me. However, I think that is her own conscience pricking her. I think she feels guilty she takes from me—warmth, connection, money, recharges, food—and then runs away. In my mind, her job is to take from me and to use that to be a good person, to study, and to make good decisions in her own life. I think that is probably a fairly Western attitude about raising kids. We expect our kids to mostly pay forward. I can talk to her about that more, about the idea of paying forward rather than paying back. But I also think this is her issue to wrestle with, and she has to sort it out.
I think she feels guilty she didn’t spend the holiday with me and she didn’t want to spend it with me. All day long, I sent her texts, because on Friday I had spent the evening with her and she had spent the night at my house. I knew the next day, she would be struggling. I just said things like we are still connected. And it is okay you are not with me. Every few hours, I sent one. I sent maybe four or five over the course of the day. She never responded to any of them—she used to never respond to any of them, but now when she is settled, she does respond. So I knew she wasn’t settled. In the evening, she was online. I just said hi to her. She said hi. I asked how her day was. “Nice.” And then she never read anything else. I think she felt so ashamed.
It’s the shame that happens after loss of connection, and it’s also the shame of individuating, but I suppose it’s also her conscience. I think she loves me more than anyone in the world, but she cannot stand to be with me, and she doesn’t understand why she feels that way. She sees herself constantly pushing me away, and she feels guilty about it. It’s easy for me to say be patient with this. It won’t always be like this.
For her, it’s a real issue. It’s a thing. She understands the pushing me away is wrong, and she is feeling less and less entitled to do it. Maybe. It’s something she has to sort out for herself though.
The other, real issue was, I think, that it was Sunday. The weekend is over, and now the routine changes. The routine changes and she doesn’t see me. If she is upset, then I keep coming, but it’s not like the weekend, when she sees me Friday evening and then Sunday afternoon and Saturday she can think I am coming tomorrow. She just has to wait one day. And then if she is not upset, I don’t come at all until Friday. It is five long days without me. I think there is a grief about this, and that’s why she sent me off quickly. She didn’t want the grief of feeling that change. She wants to be grown up and independent, but she also wants me there, and it’s very difficult. She wants my body next to her at dinner time. I think I need to come one other day of the week, so it does not feel there is this long stretch of time without me. I think it is too long. Something in the relationship has changed, and there is more trust, and that means there is more loss, and the feeling of loss is too great.
It’s getting late. I better get to school.