I did not do anything much yesterday. I was so tired. Partly, I hadn’t slept much, but also I just was tired. I had had a lot to process the day before, and I was tired. I think maybe I also felt safer to be tired—I think usually feeling tired is very unsafe for me. There were many situations where I was not allowed to be tired. I could not sleep. I could not do things in a tired, sleepy way. It was night time and I had to be awake and alert and energetic. So, although I take a lot of time to rest, it’s hard for me to cope with the actual feeling of fatigue. It means being tired is usually more tiring for me, because then I have fear to cope with as well.
I took four naps yesterday, and lay in bed most of the time, and I fell asleep without eating dinner at 7:30, with the lights still on and I only woke up after 10, when I turned out the lights and slept until morning. I don’t know when I have felt so tired before.
It gave me some time to think that I think I needed to have. Something got worked out in my mind—a simple thing, but I think it will help later. I just kind of have it worked out how this happened for me, the whole disordered attachment.
We develop a moral sense from being punished, whether the punishment is the naughty chair or a beating or a disapproving look, that’s how we develop a feeling of right and wrong. I was punished for seeking connection. It was never explicitly stated this way—there is no conscious sense that connection is bad. But it happened. There is an implicit sense of it. And so when I want connection I feel afraid, the way one might feel afraid if you want to do something you know is really bad, and when I have had connection I feel ashamed afterwards, and I also have feelings of loss around it. I feel angry at the connection I am not getting, even if I have decided for some logical, rational reason that I ought not to pursue connection in this instance or from that person. I feel sad about not having it. I feel hopeless that I might never get the connection I want and need.
That’s the cycling I do following connection. I am afraid because I had connection I wasn’t supposed to have. I feel angry at the loss of the connection I was getting and then lost. I feel ashamed at having had connection because I have been taught that my need for connection is bad. That’s the core of it. It might manifest itself as any manner of thoughts in my mind, but that is what is really going on inside me.