I may have mentioned this, but I decided to leave C here. The topic came up on Monday, when the other girls were telling C to behave herself (she was in that Wild Animal state), because I am only going to be here this year.

Fuck.

Anyway, sometimes I hate living on a planet with other human beings.

But it was out there, so I pursued it. Maybe that was the real problem anyway. Maybe that has been the topic of conversation all week. I don’t know. She said she wanted to stay here and she wouldn’t look at me, and she wouldn’t say why she wouldn’t look at me. Protecting herself from the feeling of loss that would go with connection. Eventually, she began to hide behind her hair, which made it click in a little better. Oh, the last time she did that, she was telling me what she wanted and she felt very ashamed to have her own opinion and her own desires and to have them be different opinions than she assumed I wanted her to have.

I think she has never been allowed to reject her parents. She has not been allowed to be close, and she has not been allowed to reject them. They can’t tolerate rejection. Everything they do must be fantastic to her, or they cannot tolerate feeling rejected. Maybe.

Eventually, I wrote her a note, because she really couldn’t hear me. She kept saying, “I will stay here.” I was having a hard time telling her what I meant anyway. The note said something like, “I am listening to you. I want to know more so that I can explain more to you, and then you can tell me what you think of that, but I am listening.” She seemed to soften a little from that, but it didn’t last. I left after two hours, and she was only slightly calmer.

Then on Tuesday, we didn’t talk about it. Just as I was leaving, I said, “Do you want to stay here?” And she said yes in a way that seemed honest. I said, “I will keep you here then.” I had already more or less decided that, because on the walk down on Monday, I began to have a very clear sense of how the loss of place and routine would feel to her. She is attached to the place and the routine, because attachments to people are so difficult for her, and the attachment to place and familiar things cannot be maintained over a long distance. She would feel she had died, and no longer existed. It would be extremely difficult to cope with.

In my mind, I began to move on after that. The C issue is settled—I had thought at first of leaving her here, but later didn’t feel settled about it. Now I feel settled. I have thought it through, and this is better for her. It isn’t just fear of the unknown or the immense amount of effort getting her to the US would involve. It is better for her.

It must have been my Demanding Adult who thought trying to decide whether to stop over in India would be a good idea to consider, and if I do go whether I should go to both Mumbai and Delhi, or only Mumbai. (Many of my earthly possessions are at a friend’s house near Mumbai. It is unclear whether I still care about them). So I did a bit of research. I looked at the cost of plane tickets for India vs. other potential stopovers. I looked to see if they were actually running flights to Mumbai. (Three years ago, they weren’t, and it necessitated an expensive and difficult-to-get train between Mumbai and Delhi.) The internet stopped working, although everyone else seemed able to access it—this seems to happen to me sometimes.

Anyway, I may not have realized how much I was triggering myself. I do need to decide this, because aside from needing to book plane tickets and apply for a visa (possibly), I need to hand off my passport to the person who would arrange for the visa and the first leg of the journey in the beginning of July. But it might not have been the best thing to go directly from one stress to the next—from worrying what to do to take care of C, to thinking about the separation. Except that maybe it will be easier for me if I think I know what I am doing. Just like I showed C my friend’s house where I will stay when I arrive, maybe I need a picture in my mind of what will happen to me, so that I know I am taken care of and safe also.

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