Angry

I think I hate everyone and everything Country X right now. I think that is what has happened. The immigration ministry has decided I need to leave, and now I hate everyone. It’s a possibility anyway. Otherwise, I have no explanation for why my students are driving me so insane.

The thing is they are doing the same things that adults do. They are things that have bothered me all along, but now they make me want to kill someone. They criticize relentlessly. (The next time a kid tells me about a minor misdeed that occurred 20 minute ago, I will completely lose my mind.)

The concept of “letting it go” would be useful here. Maybe it is just what third and fourth graders do. In this case, I need some perspective. I am not a primary school teacher. I don’t have a clue.

They fight. Constantly. “He was playing. She kicked me (on accident). He isn’t giving me my pencil back (because he’s not finished doing what he borrowed it to do).” They talk over each other and all at once—this isn’t my bad classroom management. They talk all at once to their other teachers too. They are loud. (Just like adults.) They don’t listen when other people are speaking, but instead ignore instructions while they are being made and then frantically discuss what is expected amongst themselves during and after. (Also just like adults.) What they decide usually turns out to be different than what is expected. I have been able to train class four into listening first, but class three is incorrigible. One of my class fours can talk nicely to each other, and the other fights like mad. Class three seems to be hopeless. I would like to give them all knives and let them get the killing over with, because that seems to be what they want to do.

I don’t know what has happened here, but the famed happiness in Country X is really, “We are not allowed to show negative feelings. We keep everything inside and then go home and kick the dog or beat our wives and children. Or drink ourselves to death.”

But they are lovely people. I just hate them right now.

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12 thoughts on “Angry

  1. thefamilyof5 May 20, 2016 / 1:33 pm

    It could be that your mentally preparing yourself to leave, return to ‘different’ ways of life again, detaching from this one in order to attach to the next.

    Or it could be that leaving is so hard that it’s easier to feel angry than sad.

    Or both.

    Either way, hugs friend x

    • Ashana M May 20, 2016 / 2:00 pm

      I think I feel really left out. It’s always there–that sense of not being fully a part of society–but I ignored it or tried to be understanding. Now, I really hate it when I am there and everyone speaks in a language I cannot understand although all of them could speak English and include me. Or that I ask what is being said and no one answers. Then I go to class, and I start off angry. I think I have insulated myself from some of the stress of being an outsider in ways that I am not doing now.

      • thefamilyof5 May 20, 2016 / 2:39 pm

        That feeling of ‘not fitting in’ feeling ‘disconnected’ and ‘outsider to your life’ is very much an attachment thing i believe. Your still searching for that place you can ‘belong’ i guess xx hugs xx

      • Ashana M May 20, 2016 / 4:31 pm

        Yes, and I think I have just ignored it because I didn’t expect to be included and now it’s hurting me because I really like them.

      • thefamilyof5 May 20, 2016 / 4:42 pm

        So sorry things are feeling so hard right now, just remember your stronger than you know x

      • Ashana M May 20, 2016 / 4:43 pm

        Thanks. It magically got easier later. I don’t know what I did. 🙂 I am sure it will get hard again later. It is hard to leave C, and I know that is at the core of it. I like it here and I don’t want to leave her and I don’t want to leave everyone else, even if they also drive me insane.

      • thefamilyof5 May 20, 2016 / 2:40 pm

        I do think that its more an internal thing you need to find though, rather than an environmental thing. You may need to find inner peace i guess, acceptance perhaps x

      • Ashana M May 20, 2016 / 4:41 pm

        I might need to come to terms with the grief of not belonging. There is a very different sense with C, as though it is something real that can happen between me and other people. I notice its absence this year although last year it happened without my realizing what was going on. It has been interesting to see, because without her school is sort of “normal.” I think there are degrees of belonging, and when you are protecting yourself from feeling you don’t belong, you can’t feel any of it. There is a connection you have between people that are kind of “yours” where you are more aware of what they are doing and how they feel and it isn’t there with people who are not “yours.” The closer you feel, the more aware you are. I had never realized it before. People who have no feeling of connection to you don’t really notice you or what you are doing and they don’t think about your perspective. There might be the people we carry around in her heads who are ours that is important. I am not sure.

  2. Ellen May 20, 2016 / 2:21 pm

    Added stress does make existing stress seem unbearable sometimes. This behaviour would drive me insane also, but when behaviour is cultural, people can’t seen it.

    That is funny about ‘the happiest people in the world’. I’d heard that. It sounds similar to me to one of those empty self-help promises – like a cover story maybe. So interesting how you see it.

    I’m sorry this is so difficult.

    • Ashana M May 20, 2016 / 4:30 pm

      I think somehow it drives me more crazy. I don’t really know why. I really do think it’s true at this point. They are not allowed to have negative feelings. So they are “happy.” I was talking to kids about I-statements today (I feel…when you…) because the blaming and fighting is driving me insane and I got “happy” out of Class 3. No, you are not happy. You just hit the other kid. That is not what happy looks like. Somehow I got it together for the afternoon and had a lovely rest of the day. Thanks for listening to the rant.

  3. Rachel May 22, 2016 / 8:10 am

    The anger makes sense to me. You’re leaving, forced out of a country, away from someone you really care for and love deeply and who loves you, too. This is painful, and difficult to accept. Anger is loud and a strong felt-experience, larger than the quieter pain of grief.
    And not belonging or observing hypocrisy (the “happy” people), that is also agitating. All reasons to feel angry.

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