I think there is something important from yesterday that I am unable to process. Some things I have kind of skimmed the surface of, and can process, but maybe I need more time. It has occurred to me how hard it is for me to let C be in distress. I can feel she is frightened, but I can’t connect that she is frightened of me and for me. It was less extreme yesterday when I saw her, probably because I was more attuned to her, and I didn’t push her too far with the feelings. I reassured her at least some while she was frantically texting me about a recharge on Saturday night and on Sunday morning as I was walking up the hill to her school. She at least got some response to me, and I did do what she asked quickly, so that she did not have to sit with the fear longer than she could stand it. Then I left the hostel on Sunday when I began to see her get fidgety and unable to make eye contact with me. But her distress really leaks into me. On Saturday, I felt really frantic about the recharge she wanted. I don’t know what really triggered her wish for a recharge in the first place: It might have been her dilemma about whether to see me on Sunday, or my warm and loving texts, or something that had happened during the day I didn’t know about.
It was just hard for me to connect that the big fear at that moment was probably she had reached out for me and she was afraid I wouldn’t really be there. I began to imagine all kinds of other things happening for her that probably weren’t happening, and I know it has been somewhat the same in the past. I sit with her and she gets fidgety and afraid, and she begins to have thoughts that are influenced by that fear she feels at being with me—everyone is staring at me, they will tease me, or whatever—but I do too. For me, it is less in my less and more in a felt sense that becomes difficult to manage appropriately. I feel she needs to be protected from something. She is frightened. There must be a threat. But I am the threat. I am the attachment figure. I am the thing she is actually afraid of. She reaches for me frantically, and I feel she is reaching for me because there is some tremendous problem I need to help her sort out. Mostly, I think there isn’t one. The problem is that she has reached for me and she is terrified I will not be there.
It’s hard because I can’t imagine how I could become so important to anyone. I have such a strong sense of just being irrelevant. Not even being bad, but just being unimportant and beside the point, that it is hard to get my head around the idea that I am important to C. I have become an attachment figure to her, and she needs me to be here. She wants me to be here. Not in her lap, but close at hand.
It’s hard too, to see the balance. Her fears are all magnified and intensified, because of her attachment issues, but that doesn’t mean her concern for me is only the result of dysfunction. It’s easy to dismiss it that way though: I am important to her because I am an attachment figure, but it translates into terror and massive anxiety because of attachment. I can’t seem to find the right words for that.
It makes it hard for me to process though, because I cannot see it at all, and then I feel more distress for her. I cannot accept this has something to do with me, and I look for outside causes that upset me more than it would if I could clearly understand she is worried I am going to disappear. I cannot accept that someone might want me.