There is more to say about this, but I began to realize yesterday that the core issue for me is a feeling of doom. My feelings of worthlessness make me feel everything I do or try to do is destined to fail. It is not a question of one particular person liking me or accepting me, or one particular endeavor failing because I am “not good enough.” It is every relationship and every endeavor that feels that way. It is as though I concluded God hates me. Life hates me and the only future I have to look forward to is one of endless punishment just for persisting in being myself, because I can’t help it. There is no one else to be. As hard as I may have tried in the past to be someone else, there is only me to be. It always comes back to that. “Oh, look, there I am again.” Because you can’t get away from yourself.

It makes it really hard to persist in pursuing my goals or really do anything. I mean, the laundry seems pretty futile when the person who needs clean clothes has no reason for being or existing. I am constantly fighting that despair, at just being. There are specific traumas that involve feelings of despair, and there is a general one. I am just so inherently broken from the inside out, that there is no point in doing anything that would allow that broken self to survive.

As I can regulate the shame better, that’s what I am getting to. That is what it all points.

My poor little baby self. How did I even grow up?


5 thoughts on “Doomed

  1. Cat's Meow April 9, 2016 / 9:16 am

    It is astonishing what humans can survive, isn’t it? The thing is that words don’t even express how horrible the experience of abuse and severe neglect is, do they? It shocks me when I have those moments of clear understanding as to what my experience was. It sounds like you experienced some of the same yourself, today.

    • Ashana M April 9, 2016 / 9:43 am

      The hard part is that I didn’t. Confronting the damage over the course of my lifetime from what happened to me when I was small is really, really difficult. I didn’t survive. I endured, but I didn’t survive. I will have to work like hell to be even half the person I might have been. It’s not a hopeless situation, but the loss of who I might have been or the life I might have had is very, very difficult to confront.

  2. Rachel April 11, 2016 / 10:05 am

    This is really hard, feeling the worthlessness and pain over how life would have been so different had your parents loved you. It’s very sad to really feel that.

    • Ashana M April 11, 2016 / 1:10 pm

      It is really nice to hear from someone who “gets it.”

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