There is more to say about this, but I began to realize yesterday that the core issue for me is a feeling of doom. My feelings of worthlessness make me feel everything I do or try to do is destined to fail. It is not a question of one particular person liking me or accepting me, or one particular endeavor failing because I am “not good enough.” It is every relationship and every endeavor that feels that way. It is as though I concluded God hates me. Life hates me and the only future I have to look forward to is one of endless punishment just for persisting in being myself, because I can’t help it. There is no one else to be. As hard as I may have tried in the past to be someone else, there is only me to be. It always comes back to that. “Oh, look, there I am again.” Because you can’t get away from yourself.
It makes it really hard to persist in pursuing my goals or really do anything. I mean, the laundry seems pretty futile when the person who needs clean clothes has no reason for being or existing. I am constantly fighting that despair, at just being. There are specific traumas that involve feelings of despair, and there is a general one. I am just so inherently broken from the inside out, that there is no point in doing anything that would allow that broken self to survive.
As I can regulate the shame better, that’s what I am getting to. That is what it all points.
My poor little baby self. How did I even grow up?