I have that idea a pattern has been established—that I send C a text in the mornings—and I should not break it, so although I don’t feel regulated or that I am in a place to guess very well what she needs to hear or even to sort out what I would want to say, I send one.

Then I look to see if she has read it, and she doesn’t. That is the disadvantage of the delivery notifications. I know when she hasn’t, and sometimes this is comforting. (If I send a text during the school day, she doesn’t read it. Good. She is not using her phone at school.)

I keep checking all morning, obsessively, even though I know this doesn’t do any good and just wastes my time. She never reads it. There are quite a few reasons this might have happened. She might actually have stayed up late chatting to someone and overslept in the morning, and then been rushing. She might have checked her phone when she woke up, before I sent the message, and then didn’t check it later.

She might know I will send her a text and feel afraid to look at her phone, because last night she reached and asked me for something, and even though she did it in a Detached Mode kind of way, my response was very worried and protective and warm, and that is going to hurt. That is going to hurt because she does not feel anyone else worries about her. She does not feel she is important enough for anyone else to worry about. If she is very hurt, she is going to feel angry, and she is going to feel angry at me, because it will seem to her that I am the cause of her pain in the moment, and she will want to hurt me by rejecting me. Or, she really did stay up late talking to a boy or wanted to talk to a boy or I thought she wanted to talk to a boy, and she feels ashamed now. Or she did and she feels afraid I will be angry at her and reject her.

It is hard to be with that. It is hard to remember this is developmental work and I can’t take this away from her. I feel so worried. It is hard to just let her hurt.

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