The baby trauma is harder to decipher. That’s one thing. Feelings swirl up. I get fuzzy pictures. A lot of times, it is just blood or something like that. A choking feeling or something. Really hard to tie it down to anything specific. I don’t think it’s a certain event. Probably a type of event.
But I have been listening to some of the songs the kids always dance to, and that I connect very strongly to C. I get knives in my stomach listening to them, and I do it anyway. I just am with that. I kind of don’t know why. I started doing that on Sunday, and pushed me seemingly over the edge for a bit. Then I was okay. I guess I assume something will come of it.
I am massively scared.
Last night it suddenly occurred to me what I could be feeling, both about her and from the past. It’s helplessness. I feel really helpless. It was scary letting her go to her own house every day, and knowing someone or something there is hurting her—I could see it in her behaviour and her level of fear towards every authority figure, including me—and I couldn’t do anything except support her. Then winter came, and I had no control at all over her. I did not even know where she was. It was really scary to have to trust others to take care of her, including people I actively distrust or people I have just never met.
It was scary in my house too. It was scary having no protection. Hard things hitting me, and having no protection, and there is that same scared sense of not being able to put up any protective wall around her just as I could not put one around myself.
It also makes me think about how my mother was in so much distress when I was a child. She would have these breakdowns and threaten suicide, and sometimes follow through with an attempt. She would argue with my father and throw things at him. She would just fall apart. When I was little, this was very, very scary to me. My mother was hurting, but I was little and helpless and could not do anything. My mother was not capable of taking care of herself, and it was really very scary to see that, to see that the adults in my life could not take care of themselves.
This is part of what keeps getting tripped: helplessness.