I am really struggling today and I don’t know why or what happened to send me spiraling down or even what to do. If I take a step back from it, it seems like the pain got too much suddenly and I removed myself from everything I know to be real so that it could hurt less. But it is hard to take that step back and what I end up thinking is that actually I am just worthless. I am crazy and worthless. If people do value me, it is because they don’t really know what I feel inside or who I really am.
I was trying to get a handle on something when this happened. Yesterday’s ritual was easier on me than usual. I think it was anyway. Less draining. But I missed C a lot, and that was kind of weird, because although it seems to me she usually volunteers to serve at the ritual and I have seen her in that capacity the last two years, I did not really know her.
I have these memories of her from a year ago or two years ago that are completely electric, like fossils. Fuzzy and yet electric. I have memories of her dancing and of her serving tea. Those seem to be the two types. There is something about them that is just so painful. I think that is the reason they are so electric. In general, I have many memories that are like that. They are like cut-outs of something. I remember one moment with total vividness and clarity and often nothing around it. Sometimes I do remember the events around it, but often there is this stretch between that memory and the context that surrounds it—like I have a memory of a landscape maybe, but I don’t remember where it was. Not exactly that, but that kind of thing. So my memories of her are like that. I remember her serving tea to the guests last year, and it is like that somehow. Just cut-out of things. I have an idea now that I remember things that way because suddenly I have some kind of burst of emotion. It is an intense emotion that gives the memory that clarity, and yet I was shutting down the emotion inside, so there is no memory of the emotion to go with it, or if I do have a memory of the emotion, it’s going to be somewhere else. They are not going to be integrated memories. Things are in pieces, just as though they were traumatic, because the feelings are intense in the same way that trauma memories are intense. But I really don’t know why her serving tea would be intense for me. I don’t think she has ever served tea to me. I remember her serving tea to other people, but her friends serving me. The events I am thinking about were in the spring of last year and the year before, and we did not really have any relationship before June of last year.
Of course, I also want to know what the emotion was. What was the emotion that made her electric to me at least at some points—I mean, I don’t remember her standing in line at assembly particularly, except on a few occasions when she was doing something unusual, like maybe on the first day of school, looking very lit up to be with her friends. What would be special about serving tea?
But it is really, really terrible. Something about it is absolutely, completely terrible. It makes me shake it is so terrible.
I started watching the songs on Youtube that I have seen her dance to, just to see what might get tripped. It tripped stabbing feelings in my stomach. I don’t really know what that feeling is. I guess longing. One thought I have about this is just that it’s an attachment, and any reminder of it will be painful to me. I find myself not believing that, but it’s going to turn out to be true, no matter how much I want to deny it. Attachment will be very painful to me. At least for a while, and it is going to feel like knives.
But what happened next is nothing seemed real. I mean, this particular moment is real. Everything I think happened to me is not real. Myself is maybe not real, in the sense of how I present myself to the world. And I also feel suicidal or like self-harming.
I don’t know what has happened to me.